I almost lost you to the sea. Both afloat but, somehow, for some reason— you were letting go of me.

We don’t know what love is supposed to be. We don’t. I know my words carry no weight, but, this intense passion I feel.. that’s the only way I can describe it to you. Where words do no justice, ‘love’ does. I can’t help but feel it’s.. right. It’s right. You taught me how to love, even if only for a little while.That’s.. nice. Why do you say it like that!? I don’t know what else to say to you! Why?! Why do you view yourself so negatively? It’s almost disturbing how beautiful you are. Creative and intelligent, it’s just.. why do you do that? You’re so infinitely amazing, why can’t you see what I see? Why can’t you feel the way I feel.. ? I love you so much! I love you! I love loving you! I’m just.. I’m not ready. I don’t know what I want. I want to learn and grow with you.. I need to learn and grow by myself first. I hate seeing you cry like that. I want to be there for you. But that’s so wrong of me.. because I’m the cause. Exactly.

Endless tears. Endless. Sobbing hiccups. Running noses. All of it. All of you. All of me. Just.. spilling out, into that endless sea. I reach for the door handle. It cracks open. Your hand sprints for my knee and I freeze. Ultimatum, being with you in the last but very finest moments or just self-torture with “what if’s” and bitter, bitter sleep.

I held you. Like second nature, you embraced me so tightly. And everything was difficult to understand through the wailing but somehow we just knew.

I’m sorry if there was anything I couldn’t do for you. I love you. I love you, I love you. You did everything for me. You’ve made me such a better person. I didn’t mean it when I said a part of me hated you for this.. I could never. Thank you so much.. You have no idea. I know I’ve said this to you before but you’re everything I’ve been looking for.. Don’t. Don’t say that.. You can’t— I mean it. I know it sounds stupid but that night, just talking, I told you I wasn’t looking but you were everything I was looking for. I meant it. I meant everything I said. I don’t want to let you go. I’m going to miss you so much.. I miss you already.. You’re it for me. I knew it from the very moment you walked through those red doors. I thought about you ever so often and I don’t even know why. There is no one else, I just don’t want anyone else.I feel the exact same way. Please, please stop reading me.. And if in distant time, I hope it’s you. Through whatever this brings us, at the end of it, I hope it’s you. Someday, when we both fall onto the same page at the same time, we could— Timing doesn’t necessarily do that.. Hardly does it ever. But it’s us.

And you picked up my chin to kiss me. We held hands.

I hate what’s going to happen. I know.. You don’t know. I’ve never felt this way with anyone— the way I do with you. It just isn’t natural. I’ll write and write about you to keep you alive in my memory. In the past, when I’d push you away, I wrote so much about you because I never knew if you’d come back. Imagine now. Maybe I’ll throw out a bad romance novel like Jane Austen. In time.. only, I imagine it’d end up like Brian Griffin.. He never sells any books. Am I using comic relief too much? I can tell you’re just trying to cope.. Please let me be there for you. Don’t kick me out of your life completely. It wouldn’t be by choice.. but I would. And I’d hope you’d understand. Sadly, I do.. My mom even caught on before I did. Asked me why you’re never around here anymore. And I had a hunch not to go but I just wanted to see you so badly.. For some reason, I felt an end. It’s not you— really, why— just, please..

I slowly let my fingers die and you offered to walk me to my door. I turned the key slowly, flicked the switch, and the door creaked open. My ribcage felt like caving in. I never felt so lost in my life. I stepped in, you yanked me back. And we cried again.

“I don’t want to let you go,” you said, nuzzling your face into the blend of my scarf and hair. I clenched tighter. It was our final moment. I didn’t know what to do. I just knew ..I couldn’t lose you.
“I need you,” blurt.
“You don’t need peop—”
“You do! You said before, before all of this, that you need me..,” and so you paused and cried in to my locks for a little longer.
“Is it too late?,” you asked. “Can I just.. take all of this back? Nevermind?” Your crying made it hard to understand. But I nodded. And you held me so close that I never felt more relief in my entire life.
“Stay with me.”
“I’ll be with you until you don’t need me anymore..”
“Can you promise me that?,” I normally don’t believe in them, but with you? No hesitation.
“I promise. I promise. I promise. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I don’t know what I was thinking. I need you too. I need you.”

Somewhere in there, somewhere in there was Love. Maybe not in this poorly documented memory but between you and I under those stars in the park, and in your tiny red car in my driveway, and at the green door of my garage. There was Love. Thank you for staying with me. You’re truly a blessing.

credits to: http://onthedime.tumblr.com/

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