It took me all the courage to look up to meet his eyes. A dark pool of ebony, soft and kind, with creases of wrinkles that deepen whenever he smiles. They intimidate me.

He preferred calling me by my Chinese name. It was more personal. Bell, he said, was not.

I felt a hot sensation on my cheeks. And before I knew it, he had reached over for a tissue, and was offering it to me, like it was the most natural thing to do. He edged nearer, almost as if he was ready to catch me lest I fall off my seat. I looked away, abashed.

"I shouldn't be acting like this. I'm sorry"

He only smiled in encouragement. "Its okay. Tell me what's on your mind"

Tears gushed down my face, heavy in melancholy and guilt bathing my conscience. My head pounded a little harder then, and I tightened my grip on the chair. The first symptom of madness, I whispered silently to myself.

I decided at that moment to let out a little sob. I think it inflicted some sort of corresponding pain on him just then, for his eyes reflected a certain sense of helplessness. I only cried harder.

That session was my most memorable session with him amongst the others, despite the lack of conversation. The thought of another being, a stranger, just sharing my pain for a short while was more than enough for me. Other days when I was a little stronger, I would attempt to say a few jokes, making the conversation as pleasant as possible and less tedious for him to be doing what he was doing. Some days, just like this one, were allocated for me to cry to my heart's contents. Just because I can. Just because that 50 minutes of trying to make things better for myself was the only time I could afford to do so. He never gave up on me. There was something selfless in the way I try harder everyday to fight the battle on my own eventhough others may perceive it as a sign of selfishness, he reminded me now and then. Those were the words I held on to, to this very day.

That day was the first time he told me how he hated his job because he was seeing the people who came and went cry everyday. Me, especially. I remember pausing at the door for the longest time before saying,

"I wish I don't have to come back anymore. But till then, I'll try harder."

I smiled, closing the door.

"Well, I hope I won't be seeing you again then, Ying Zhi. Take care."

I'll try harder.