when (x) reaches infinity,

Vessel on the outside, substance on the inside.

2012-01-28T06:00:00.005+08:00

"Is there anything you want to tell me today?"

It took me all the courage to look up to meet his eyes. A dark pool of ebony, soft and kind, with creases of wrinkles that deepen whenever he smiles. They intimidate me.

"Ying Zhi?"

He preferred calling me by my Chinese name. It was more personal. Bell, he said, was not.

I felt a hot sensation on my cheeks. And before I knew it, he had reached over for a tissue, and was offering it to me, like it was the most natural thing to do. He edged nearer, almost as if he was ready to catch me lest I fall off my seat. I looked away, abashed.

"I shouldn't be acting like this. I'm sorry"

He only smiled in encouragement. "Its okay. Tell me what's on your mind"

Tears gushed down my face, heavy in melancholy and guilt bathing my conscience. My head pounded a little harder then, and I tightened my grip on the chair. The first symptom of madness, I whispered silently to myself.

"Did you say something, Ying Zhi?"

I decided at that moment to let out a little sob. I think it inflicted some sort of corresponding pain on him just then, for his eyes reflected a certain sense of helplessness. I only cried harder.

That session was my most memorable session with him amongst the others, despite the lack of conversation. The thought of another being, a stranger, just sharing my pain for a short while was more than enough for me. Other days when I was a little stronger, I would attempt to say a few jokes, making the conversation as pleasant as possible and less tedious for him to be doing what he was doing. Some days, just like this one, were allocated for me to cry to my heart's contents. Just because I can. Just because that 50 minutes of trying to make things better for myself was the only time I could afford to do so. He never gave up on me. There was something selfless in the way I try harder everyday to fight the battle on my own eventhough others may perceive it as a sign of selfishness, he reminded me now and then. Those were the words I held on to, to this very day.

That day was the first time he told me how he hated his job because he was seeing the people who came and went cry everyday. Me, especially. I remember pausing at the door for the longest time before saying,

"I wish I don't have to come back anymore. But till then, I'll try harder."

I smiled, closing the door.

"Well, I hope I won't be seeing you again then, Ying Zhi. Take care."

I'll try harder.

And I still don't have the reeeeeaaaason.

2012-01-24T15:24:00.002+08:00

Those gay days under the sun (:

Forgive me I'm trying to find.

2012-01-19T16:11:00.004+08:00

It awes me that after everything we have been through together, I still find the prospect of talking about you here something so new and so strange. In this place so sacred to me, how it has barely seen any traces of you I've cautiously remained hushed. The irony. How the plethora of words that have been etched here were inspired nonetheless by you and only you. I'm not usually this cheesy, but since I'm at it now, I want to say that, I have never felt anything like this before with anyone in my life. Not like this, never for this long. That despite it all, almost like an unimpeded intervening of fate that befalls upon me like a whiff of a spell, I come running back to you again and again. There I go. Running, because you first sang me that song.

"But have you seen this girl?

She's been running through my dreams."

conversations that matter.

2012-01-18T06:58:00.003+08:00

"Why you so ebil?"

"Cause I miss being evil to you. Young one, grown up life sucks.

Stop trying to want to grow up so quickly. Just be positive, even when you're not supposed to, it makes you think more logically. Just slow down. Take it a step at a time. You have room for emotional growth, you're still at an age where mistakes can be forgiven. Thats why I keep telling you not to grow up too fast. Smile more."

You don't know how much I needed to hear that.

these words rang loud and clear, again and again like a prayer.

2012-01-17T16:43:00.001+08:00

"No one can hurt you now."

Here comes apathy.

2012-01-13T14:27:00.001+08:00

Hello there, old friend. About time you came back.

Uncanny coincidences.

2012-01-12T07:24:00.005+08:00

I almost lost you to the sea. Both afloat but, somehow, for some reason— you were letting go of me.

We don’t know what love is supposed to be. We don’t. I know my words carry no weight, but, this intense passion I feel.. that’s the only way I can describe it to you. Where words do no justice, ‘love’ does. I can’t help but feel it’s.. right. It’s right. You taught me how to love, even if only for a little while.That’s.. nice. Why do you say it like that!? I don’t know what else to say to you! Why?! Why do you view yourself so negatively? It’s almost disturbing how beautiful you are. Creative and intelligent, it’s just.. why do you do that? You’re so infinitely amazing, why can’t you see what I see? Why can’t you feel the way I feel.. ? I love you so much! I love you! I love loving you! I’m just.. I’m not ready. I don’t know what I want. I want to learn and grow with you.. I need to learn and grow by myself first. I hate seeing you cry like that. I want to be there for you. But that’s so wrong of me.. because I’m the cause. Exactly.

Endless tears. Endless. Sobbing hiccups. Running noses. All of it. All of you. All of me. Just.. spilling out, into that endless sea. I reach for the door handle. It cracks open. Your hand sprints for my knee and I freeze. Ultimatum, being with you in the last but very finest moments or just self-torture with “what if’s” and bitter, bitter sleep.

I held you. Like second nature, you embraced me so tightly. And everything was difficult to understand through the wailing but somehow we just knew.

I’m sorry if there was anything I couldn’t do for you. I love you. I love you, I love you. You did everything for me. You’ve made me such a better person. I didn’t mean it when I said a part of me hated you for this.. I could never. Thank you so much.. You have no idea. I know I’ve said this to you before but you’re everything I’ve been looking for.. Don’t. Don’t say that.. You can’t— I mean it. I know it sounds stupid but that night, just talking, I told you I wasn’t looking but you were everything I was looking for. I meant it. I meant everything I said. I don’t want to let you go. I’m going to miss you so much.. I miss you already.. You’re it for me. I knew it from the very moment you walked through those red doors. I thought about you ever so often and I don’t even know why. There is no one else, I just don’t want anyone else.I feel the exact same way. Please, please stop reading me.. And if in distant time, I hope it’s you. Through whatever this brings us, at the end of it, I hope it’s you. Someday, when we both fall onto the same page at the same time, we could— Timing doesn’t necessarily do that.. Hardly does it ever. But it’s us.

And you picked up my chin to kiss me. We held hands.

I hate what’s going to happen. I know.. You don’t know. I’ve never felt this way with anyone— the way I do with you. It just isn’t natural. I’ll write and write about you to keep you alive in my memory. In the past, when I’d push you away, I wrote so much about you because I never knew if you’d come back. Imagine now. Maybe I’ll throw out a bad romance novel like Jane Austen. In time.. only, I imagine it’d end up like Brian Griffin.. He never sells any books. Am I using comic relief too much? I can tell you’re just trying to cope.. Please let me be there for you. Don’t kick me out of your life completely. It wouldn’t be by choice.. but I would. And I’d hope you’d understand. Sadly, I do.. My mom even caught on before I did. Asked me why you’re never around here anymore. And I had a hunch not to go but I just wanted to see you so badly.. For some reason, I felt an end. It’s not you— really, why— just, please..

I slowly let my fingers die and you offered to walk me to my door. I turned the key slowly, flicked the switch, and the door creaked open. My ribcage felt like caving in. I never felt so lost in my life. I stepped in, you yanked me back. And we cried again.

“I don’t want to let you go,” you said, nuzzling your face into the blend of my scarf and hair. I clenched tighter. It was our final moment. I didn’t know what to do. I just knew ..I couldn’t lose you.
“I need you,” blurt.
“You don’t need peop—”
“You do! You said before, before all of this, that you need me..,” and so you paused and cried in to my locks for a little longer.
“Is it too late?,” you asked. “Can I just.. take all of this back? Nevermind?” Your crying made it hard to understand. But I nodded. And you held me so close that I never felt more relief in my entire life.
“Stay with me.”
“I’ll be with you until you don’t need me anymore..”
“Can you promise me that?,” I normally don’t believe in them, but with you? No hesitation.
“I promise. I promise. I promise. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I don’t know what I was thinking. I need you too. I need you.”

Somewhere in there, somewhere in there was Love. Maybe not in this poorly documented memory but between you and I under those stars in the park, and in your tiny red car in my driveway, and at the green door of my garage. There was Love. Thank you for staying with me. You’re truly a blessing.

credits to: http://onthedime.tumblr.com/

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This. I- I can't even. This is our story.

Again and again.

2012-01-11T11:55:00.004+08:00

The pounding of my own heart exploding thoughts in my head nobody else but me could hear. My head is bleeding grief.

2012-01-11T11:54:00.001+08:00

Where it is cold, even when the windows are all closed.

Hello there,again.

2012-01-11T11:37:00.003+08:00

I don't know how I ended here.

Here, to this point of no return.

I can't see anything from here. Everything is so dark. So bleak. So blurry. The pounding in my head, like the first symptom of madness, catches me and pulls me into a pool of my own thoughts, and there I lay, drowning and choking with every breath that I take. Where the realm of reality coheres with fantasy. In a world where I never knew how to swim, I swam to the very depth of a well, brimmed with tears that seemed to have fallen from the cries of yesterday. Here, to the point of no return. Everyone judging me. Those vacant stares. Those meaningless conversations. Words that I deemed precious that were never said at the right time. Of never feeling good enough. Of not trying hard enough. Of falling down again and again only to bruise myself more and more. I don't know how I got here.

I'm falling. Falling, in my red dress and shattered pills, collapsing on the white tiles painted a beautiful red on the floor.

And I'm just tired.

2012-01-09T14:23:00.001+08:00

It's been a long day
And all I've gotta say is make it strong
It's been a long day
And all I've gotta say is I've been wrong
So take a leave of absence
Tell me you'll be gone
I don't wanna see your face
It's been a long day
And I just wanna hide away

It's been a long week
And all the lines come down heavy on me
It's been a long week
I'm finally feeling like it's ok to break
Into a thousand pieced
No one can replace
Only I can find my way
It's been a long day
And I just wanna hide away

It's been a long year
And everyone around me is disappearing
It's been a long year
And all this mess around me is finally clear
So can I have a moment
Just to say hello
Can u let your anger go
It's been a long year
And I'm finally ready to be here.

I could have but I did not.

2012-01-08T00:35:00.003+08:00

I don't say much, but I guess my tears always give me away. I don't ask for much, but I guess you always thought otherwise. What we had was so simple, that sometimes it felt as though there was barely any strings attached. But now that everything has changed, I am left alone lurking in the dark on my own, not wanting to bruise anybody unconsciously. I can't change how I feel. I can only change just how much I am willing to show you my heart's content. This is me, wearing my armor, yielding my shield.

The black water.

2011-12-11T03:33:00.002+08:00

Listening to : Nujabes “Luv(sic) Pt. 4”

I still think its the prospect of me being caught so off-guard that resulted in the long stretches of silence. What amuses me tremendously is the way my head was in a world of its own screaming with trains of thoughts running wild - but as soon as my brain registered consciousness for the need to say them out aloud, I find my voice getting caught in my throat. The way you carry yourself, bold and fearless, gave me a few glimpses of the person I've always wanted to be. Like an abyss of black hole, I was being drawn slowly, but surely into a vacuum of an entirely new world. The speed, the rush, the overwhelming gestures and unconventional conversations. And just like a fool, I followed you into the darkness.

The hauntings of you.

2011-11-30T09:21:00.005+08:00

Cold, as the absence of warmth in my hand. Cold, were the hellos that are missing in our conversations. Cold, like the jarring silence breaking in through the unsaid words. Cold, as the familiar throbbing sensation that never left my feet the day I walked away. Cold, is the smile I coax myself to self-consciously respond to. Cold, I was. Cold, I have been and still am. There has never been one day, one instance that I've gone through without having to think about you did. This sphere of void you've left here in the depths of me. This indelible feeling that overwhelms me every time I hear the word, "broken." The involuntary tears that fall on behalf of the you who should have been there. Those days I got out of bed with a hole in my heart. I've tried so hard. I've cried so hard. Is it still, not enough? You never left.

I think I might be falling in love with you.

2011-11-15T10:49:00.000+08:00

*swoons*

Steamboat!

2011-11-13T08:07:00.003+08:00

Vivid tears.

2011-10-25T02:58:00.002+08:00

There will never be another like you.

FALL is here!

2011-10-22T08:18:00.000+08:00

HOLA.

Write to me, won't you?

2011-10-19T14:58:00.001+08:00

This is my letter to the world,
That never wrote to me,--
The simple news that Nature told,
With tender majesty.
Her message is committed
To hands I cannot see;
For love of her, sweet countrymen,
Judge tenderly of me!

-Emily Dickinson.

the Quibbling Dinosaurs

2011-10-18T06:07:00.002+08:00

This happens when I resort to curing my own sanity.

I'm feeling alright, just a little blue.

2011-10-17T02:43:00.000+08:00

I've come to develop this habit of free-writing my thoughts down, before doing anything else for the day. This doesn't help that I am constantly driven to drift mid-air unconsciously while writing or doing something consciously. That even right now a part of me is partially absorbed into an abyss of nothingness. It seems as though the entity of my mind has been separated from the rest of my body, I float about aimlessly like a helium balloon released from the grasp of my possessor. Till when? I wish I knew.

Break up.

2011-10-15T05:50:00.004+08:00

A break up is almost similar to an abrupt assimilation of all the broken pieces of yourself brusquely put back together. Similar to the removal of a single alveoli from your lungs, collapsing your respiration entirely, where you are left to suffocate and choke eagerly for whatever's left of your life, not because its habitual, but essential. Similar to the dispatch of your emotional being, leaving you numb with apathy; but not without acute discernment of the way your body is reacting to the change. You were one; complete and whole; flaws slipped by oblivious to you because they didn't matter. Yet now that you are one and alone, you question your own cognition of what was there and what wasn't. Has things always been this way all the while? You find yourself pausing and then doubting - because it becomes apparent, everything once buried deep within are slowly unravelling before you. What I despise most about being broken up isn't the loneliness, but these spasms of guilt and regret of our unbecoming crawling up my conscience like a vine coiling its way around my neck, leaving me more breathless than speechless. Just like right now.

It is in you.

2011-10-11T01:12:00.005+08:00

LEARN SWIMMING
Be a note-taker for the disabled
Internship at Bruin Daily
Attend bible studies and meetings EVERY week
Be a vegan for a week every month
Donate blood
Watch a French movie every week
Start a new portfolio: Project 365, take at least one picture a day
Learn Spanish from roommate :D Bueno!
Hit the gym at least twice a week
A cappella group: get some proper vocal coaching
Min 3.7 for the first quarter

One at a time. Start small, end big (:

Look into the index of my eyes.

2011-10-10T01:11:00.002+08:00

The palpitating heart has since then begun to tremble with trepidation. Losing track, losing identity, losing self. In a sea of blue, surrounded by the one thing I feared most, I kept my sight on the glittering spectrum of water ahead of me, embracing it, breathing it, living in the moment. And it was suddenly all so clear. The clutter. The broken trails. Everything. The trick was simply to keep floating.

All the right moves, and all the right places.

2011-10-07T15:07:00.003+08:00

Cross-legged, I sat carelessly before those walls. They glared at me in unison, almost as if they were frowning my unbecoming presence there. The pin-drop silence I anticipated was curtly disrupted by the tumult of laughter that swept past me, beckoning neither my existence nor my chagrin. The voice speaking into my ears, I heard but could barely fathom. Somewhere along the corridor, the girl in red sat outside her door, clutching her phone, the one thing closest to a remedy of this malaise, fighting the urge to cry, far far away from home.

Nature; Ralph Waldo Emerson

2011-09-29T04:57:00.004+08:00

Listening to: Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People.

"The Sun illuminates the eye of the man, but shines into the eye and heart of the child."

Life's but a streaming river gushing across an abrupt cascade, deeper and deeper, chaste upon sight to me, all that is different and existing into a state of nature we call, habit. Till then, comfort's what I perennially seek for from the embrace of past.

"There I feel that nothing can befal me in life - no disgrace, no calamity, (leaving me my eyes) which nature cannot repair."

Yes, till then.

Ocean Eyes and summer skies.

2011-08-24T11:38:00.003+08:00

Listening to: Lights - My Boots.

Nothing like a red bob to suit California.

A stranger you've met.

2011-08-08T20:50:00.004+08:00

Found this on my tumblr. I think I might have written it about this time a year ago. I saved it in my drafts for some reasons I don't remember now but they must have been important for me to hide a piece like this in the dark. Well, those reasons don't exist anymore, not now. And honestly, I am actually pretty fond of this (:

Forget the ticking time. Forget the cars and the traffic. Forget everyone. Forget everything. The busy street. Standing amongst the moving crowd, your significance seems belittled but eyes are watching after you. You don’t care. And as you inhale into the nothingness of the air, you smell bliss. Eyes shut and hands spread wide open, you twirl on your tiptoes. Aimlessly, recklessly, listlessly. A trickle of water on your palm. You suppress a shiver under your skin. Then came the thousand raindrops that fell from the sky. The water dripping from your chin, oh and how you mess up your drenched hair with a slight shake of your head. Umbrellas surround you, like a parade of colors. You surprise yourself with a gasp of faint giggles that escaped your mouth. And them. The questions they are wondering, pondering in their heads. Who is she? Your lips curve into an unmistakable smile at the corner of your mouth. Someone.

Project 1: Polaroids.

2011-08-05T22:21:00.001+08:00

Listening to: Demi Lovato - Skyscraper.

Yes this is Daryl being my SPOILER.

Still working on the rest of my polaroids (:

Whether Narcissus was beautiful or not.

2011-08-03T19:40:00.008+08:00

Listening to : Hey Monday - Candles.

The Alchemist picked up a book that someone in the caravan had brought. Leafing through the pages, he found a story about Narcissus. The alchemist knew the legend of Narcissus, a youth who knelt daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned. At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, was called the narcissus. But this was not how the author of the book ended the story. He said that when Narcissus died, the goddesses of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears. "Why do you weep?" the goddesses asked. "I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied. "Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand." "But...was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked. "Who better than you to know that?" the goddesses said in wonder. "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!" The lake was silent for sometime. Finally, it said: "I weep for Narcissus, but I have never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."

"What a lovely story," the alchemist thought.

Perfect epitome of how people say, "I love the person I am, or I like this person I see myself become.. when I'm with you."

2011-08-02T16:03:00.002+08:00

Listening to : Kris Allen - Before We Come Undone.

Trying to understand, who I was, who I am.

Nothing's permanent. Indelible like that etch of memory that trails down the back of our heads. Nothing stays the same. Not me, not you. And I await the day before everything else comes undone.

Things I Long For At This Hour.

2011-07-31T00:59:00.005+08:00

Listening to : Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love.

Its 1:14 am.

Picnic. Cloud-gazing. Running on a track. Holding my mum's hand while shopping. Sailing. Yellow sundress. Breakfast on the beach. Coffee and sunrise at airport. Murakami's 1Q84. Dad's macaroni cheese. Baking red velvet cupcakes. A device to record and decode the thoughts that gush through my mind every now and then. Flying kites with Billy.

Found before I was lost.

2011-07-29T09:25:00.005+08:00

Listening to: David Condos - I Should Be Lost Without You.

Stumbled upon this book by John Green yesterday, so awestruck I was with only the title itself! The Fault Is In Our Stars is inspired by Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar; where the nobleman Cassius says to Brutus, “The fault, dear Brutus is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings." One of my favorite lines ever in Shakespearian history. Funny how this book shot to fame even before it is officially released. I've never actually read any of John Green's work but supposedly he is noted as New York's top seller of all time. I might try the famous Paper Towns or An Abundance of Katherines when I'm done reading the Dollanganger series. That aside, I've been feeling better on the prospects of heading to California on my own now. I have yet to meet any Class '15 Bruins around here but somehow the thought comforts me from qualms about adhering too much to the Malaysian paradigm and culture which I am more than happy to be rid of. Should you be interested to know why I have been feeling so unnerved about being a rakyat of my very own nation, take a look why and how my respect for the country's leadership has been completely discarded into the trash-truck that comes by every single morning.

No amount of teeth gritting, hair pulling and name calling would change the fact that you are more than happy to accept this moron to be your State Assemblyman, Member of Parliament and Prime Minister. You can either choose to lose your teeth and hair by the time you reach your 30th birthday, or you can vote for someone better. -Malaysian Student Postal Voters.

What happened to tolerance and the semangat muhibah that was once so celebrated not too many years ago? Now, even hope has been extinguished. I'm definitely registering myself as a postal voter for the upcoming 2013 election.

Are you?

Just all those pretty lights.

2011-07-27T23:16:00.001+08:00

Listening to: Dr. Dre - I Need A Doctor.

I visit this page every week to read about love across oceans, love that has been lost, love that lasts a lifetime and love that never will be forgotten. Today I want to share a different kind of love with you – the love of my country in hard times. *

I have always considered my country the safest in the world. This was my little country where we didn’t need police in the streets, where we could play in the streets with no parents watching us, where we didn’t have to lock our doors and where we are so few people that every person is a brother and a friend. This all changed a few days ago.

Norway is changed forever. We will never get back the Norway we had before July the 22nd - this because we will never forget. We will never forget the day a man got onto the scout camp and killed over 60 young adults. We will never forget the children’s screams. We will never forget the tears of the parents. We will never forget the stories the victims have told us. We will never forget the ocean of flowers outside the church. We will never forget our crying king.

No one is left untouched. We all feel so much pain. We are all crying for our children. We are all in shock. We are all watching the lists of names in the newspaper; names of children that was taken away from us in such a tragic way. It is so easy to hate the murderer. Somehow, it makes the sorrow easier to hate the man that caused all this. However, in the middle of all this, our prime minister, our king, our children and the children that survived the attack tell us not to hate.

All this darkness has taught us the value of love. Muslims are arranging concerts where over 200 000 people gather together in their hopelessness. Professional singers publish songs that they give out for free to show their support. Tour the France has a minute of silence in respect of the lost lives. Candles are lid in every window. Strangers cry on strangers’ shoulders.

This is my safe, little country and one person is not going to change that. When one person shows this much hate, we are going to show him how much love we are able to show together. I don’t think there is any better way to punish this murderer in than having his actions bringing us closer together.

Norway will never be the same again. The pain will never go away, and the tears will not be wiped away. They will be there and remind us of what we have sacrificed. It will remind that love is the only reasons to hate. The terrorist have taken a few of our roses, but can never stop spring from coming.

I could not have been more proud to call myself a Norwegian, hence the circumstances.
Thank you for all the support coming from all over the world!

*reader submission

Credits to Le Love

Composite of hypocrisy and patent bias.

2011-07-25T18:28:00.004+08:00

Listening to: Coldplay - Yellow.

I don't really care if karma comes back to spit on me one day for the way I have been treating people who have been irking me recently. I am not one to be easily provoked emotionally to snap out of my cool and calm mantra, a feat that I have overcome through efforts of empathetic understanding and reasonable colloquy when confronting with people. Why plan ahead of time for a meet up, if I am obviously not of priority for you to meet me? See, this is the one thing I really loathe about people who appear to be trying so hard, even pretending to have made an effort when they are actually hesitating so much on whether or not they should turn up for the event. I have nothing against your preferences of people you choose over me. Don't even get me started on how many times you've given me your two cents about who matters and what comes first. Two words. Really. Why bother?

2011-07-15T08:16:00.002+08:00

Listening to: Starfield - Cry In My Heart.

This Is For Him Who Shalt Miss Me When I'm Gone To Camp.

Be good, Billy!

2011-07-08T19:07:00.001+08:00

Packing to leave town tomorrow.

Goodbye, Malaysia & Hello, Singapore!

Showing some love (':

2011-07-05T17:05:00.005+08:00

Listening to: Everybody Hurts - Avril Lavigne.

Ooooooooh, yes.

It will last.

2011-07-05T00:09:00.006+08:00

Listening to: Hellogoodbye - Here (In your arms).

"I like,

Where we are,

Here."

I don't think I've felt this at peace for a very long time. Probably during that one time when I found out I was really going to leave this place to live my dream : to study abroad (for real). It was as if every second of that moment was intensified with the charm of some Felix Felicis. That was the first time since never before, that I have felt like I was content with my life at the moment. And that, God was (is) in control. How I kept convincing myself this moment will last. That was when you.. You came into my life and make everything short-lived into something worthwhile. You and the dearth of your words, because you need not say any for me to understand that you are staying. You and that smile you gave me that I'm wearing now. You and even when you're afar, how I no longer feel adrift nor hesitant. You bringing an end to the closed chapters, unraveled and receded from sight. You, and me, here, to last.

"Well you are the one, the one that lies close to me.

Whispers "Hello, I've missed you quite terribly."

I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.

Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms."

Goodnight, Billy.

When its all too much.

2011-07-02T14:11:00.004+08:00

Listening to : Sometimes When We Touch - Olivia Ong.

I regret not taking my health too seriously, I was stupid for trying to complete all of my school assignments and stay up really late into the night and not getting enough rest, when I should have just given up and get punished by the teachers. Even though I'll get a bad name in school, at least there's a chance I'll be a healthier person than now and I get to enjoy life after high school. I regret not having enough fluids in my body, since I wasn't a big fan of drinking lots of water before. I regret for not treasuring my life before this, when now I'm just struggling to keep myself alive and well.

I'm getting tired from all of this cancer shit, I'm not going to deny. It has cost not only me, but also my family members and my closest of friends a lot. I'm not as strong as everybody thinks I am. I'm trying to be an inspiration to people, to let them know that their lives aren't bad at all compared to mine, to let them know not to take anything in their lives for granted. But it's getting hard to remain positive and optimistic.

-Leonie, dancingpapercranes.blogspot.com

This really got to me.

God, if you're listening, if you're listening at all; Have mercy, please have mercy on her.

2011-07-01T21:28:00.002+08:00

Listening to: The Way You Are - David Choi & Kina Grannis.

I wonder if I had it tougher? The bruised side of my heart that will never be healed, how you caused it every single time to throb and hurt because I will always be reminded how I was never good enough.

In my garden.

2011-06-30T23:33:00.012+08:00

Listening to: Taylor Swift - Cold As You.

So I was bored today and decided to play around with my EOS S3 after so long.

Ergo, a new series of black & whites are shot after I fell in love with the Color Swap button. When used properly, the Color Accent function on the EOS S3 can really create wonders. I have got to admit though, the pictures look slightly photoshopped (something that really bugs me but meh, it looks good somehow this time) since the colors developed are all so vivid. I suppose the Color Accent effect really made the colors stand out, so don't be surprised if I tell you that each of the shots are really just the entirely-not-photoshopped originals. My Garden series turned out spectacular!

It was a cloudy day. And while I was busy taking shots of everything and practically every inch of my garden, I found a small young mango near the gate outside. It was bright green and immediately it caught my eye. So pretty! Color Accent made the shade of green prettier than ever (: I'm looking forward to my next series. I was really inspired by those shots of twigs and brown autumn leaves I took, so perhaps I'll be doing a Fall Series instead of a Summer one ? Since I'm not heading to the beach anymore :/ Till then, I'm loving the summer breeze in the Peninsular. Might as well enjoy it before (me) and summer's gone.

Ludovico Einaudi's Nuvole Bianche (White Clouds)

2011-06-29T16:29:00.003+08:00

I'm currently in love with this man and the way his fingers work their way on the piano.

Symphony of its very own.

Photobooth moments of the year.

2011-06-28T11:21:00.003+08:00

Listening to: All Time Low - My Only One.

My Mac has certainly seen the worse of our multifacet camwhores.

OH AND THIS...

LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

Haha, yeah I guess we're actually pretty cute sometimes.

To gasp and still love.

2011-06-24T11:26:00.012+08:00

Listening to : Remembering Sunday - All The Low.

I will love you as a drawer loves a secret compartment, and as a secret compartment loves a secret, and as a secret loves to make a person gasp, and as a gasping person loves a glass of brandy to calm their nerves, and as a glass of brandy loves to shatter on the floor, and as the noise of glass shattering loves to make someone else gasp, and as someone else gasping loves a nearby desk to lean against, even if leaning against it presses a lever that loves to open a drawer and reveal a secret compartment. I will love you until all such compartments are discovered and opened, and until all the secrets have gone gasping into the world.

- Lemony Snicket.

I feel it now. Pangs and pangs of emotions are sweeping past my lungs in turmoil as if I was gasping for air in a frosty winter morning. Like waves of sentiment hitting the shore as the grains of sand and water disintegrate into nothingness before my eyes. I really, really feel it now. Realizations are starting to sink in, departures and goodbyes are made obvious now. I am finally leaving this place. And all these people, the faces and multitude of personalities that have crossed down my path so far, they will soon just be fragments of my memory that may be altered and enshrouded within time.

There are many "if only" statements clogging themselves through the veins of my brain right now, at this moment. The many "I should have" and "It might have been different if" phrases commencing these statements in my head. And this is all slowly dissipating into the walls of my heart like a deadly venom. There was so much more of what I could have done, so many people I could have gotten to know more about, so many things I could have prevented from happening and so much that I could have made possible. Friends who were there for me, classmates who made lessons in class unforgettable, roommates who took care of me when I was sick, hurt or unhappy, church mates and CA people who grew in faith with me, lecturers who shared the good and bad/tears and laughter with us, best friends who stood by me all the way and my God who never forsakes me. I've had it good, it seems. Truly, I've had the best of the best.

I may not have been the smartest one among the rest. I may not have been the most outspoken one amidst the bunch (That would've been our Perempuan Judi Chua) Neither was I the prettiest, kindest nor friendliest. But I was definitely one of the many whom truly appreciated what I have had. There were so many instances I could recall where I was so surprised yet so pleasantly delighted to see how affluently my lecturers have treated me, with respect (one that comes only when its mutual, of course), warmth and the lack of reservedness in a normal relationship between a student and a teacher. I could never thank them enough, these precious enthusiasts who have been my confidants, guidances and most important of all, my friends. I extend my unexpressed gratitude to Mr. Kamal, Miss Asma, Miss Nadia, Mr. Ikhwan, Mr. Kesh, Mr. Ateff, Miss Chelvi, Madam Norliza, Madam Kiranjeet, and Miss Aisyah for your teachings that have taught me the many values of life. Especially to Mr. Kamal who gave me those indispensable memories along with my Boston(Fall & Spring) peeps and rekindled my passion for reading, I cannot thank you enough for your presence alone in my life. The slight mentions of Sakura Teng and Rokiah Wanda whenever and wherever shall always, always bring a smile to my face. And to Miss Asma who encouraged me endlessly with her constantly good remarks and constructive criticisms on my writing, thank you for reminding me how much I love to write even when SAT and Speech Communication (when writing my outline, ugh) was making me hate it profusely. To Mr. Ateff who have helped me overcome my stage fright almost completely with his generous remarks on my speeches during Speech Communication classes, to Mr. Kesh who praised and rewarded us despite the horrible mess we have made in our Business Project with the Haunted House and to Miss Nadia for being so supportive and understanding of us, you are the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. And yes, I've seen many many many brides (:

If I could, I guess I would be writing perhaps three thousand sheets of scrolls to thank so many people it would probably sum up to be an autobiographical gratitude-expressing book. I've lost myself along the way trying to fit in among all these smart-asses, (only)intimidating-at-first-sight scholars who turned out to be pretty cool but definitely lame friends, found my way and lost myself again amidst making decisions and living the consequences. It has been a great journey here in INTEC, from the abiding hellos to the salvaging goodbyes. I have laughed and cried, cried so much I laughed or was it the other way around? Nothing I say would suffice to describe this overwhelming mix of emotions I am feeling now upon leaving this place.

Saying goodbye was never this hard to me. But I feel it now, I do. There is already a void in my heart, telling me that this can never ever be replaced. That is where INTEC belongs. Now and for a very, very, very long time.

Caught Up In This Moment.

2011-06-17T23:42:00.002+08:00

Listening to: For The First Time - The Script.

A tired-but-contented looking me,
after Prom/ATU Night 2011 at Empire Hotel last night ((((:

My love : attention to detail.

2011-06-08T22:51:00.002+08:00

This one time I painted a living room with a girl.

This was a handful of years back. It was about eight months before the huge, flame-out of a breakup. That day, though? That day we painted the living room? It was pretty uneventful. We painted my parents living room for $50 between us and a pizza. That was it. I think we watched Anchorman or something after that.

But it still holds as on of the most indelible memories I have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not still in love, it happened, it was good, it ended, and we’ve both moved on. But I’ll never forget that day. Because it’s never, in the long run, about the grand gestures. You can fly across the world and show up on her doorstep with a rose in your teeth and a ring in a little velvet box but I can guarantee you that - more often than not - she’s going to remember the time you built the birdhouse in the back yard, or what have you, a whole lot more.

Life wasn’t meant to be taken in large movements. The next day will inevitably arrive, you’ll sleep, and the moment will have passed. But when you have a hundred thousand small moments, you can step back and appreciate the picture a lot more than metaphorically blowing your load on some grand moment that, in all honesty, look, you’re not Bruce Fucking Springsteen, you’re not going to be able to blow everyone’s mind every single night. You’re not Romeo and/or Juliet. There’s no reason to drink the poison together in some flame-out gesture. So that leaves us with the small stuff. It’s all about the detail.

That’s what love is. Attention to detail.

And the moment will end. And then things will get boring. And it might get a little quiet. And it might all end horribly. And you might hate eachother at the end. And you might walk away from eachother one day and never speak again. But that’s just how it goes.

But she’ll remember the time you held the door open for her on your first date.

She’ll remember the time you laughed at her impression of the landlady.

She’ll remember the time you stayed up all night that first time.

She’ll remember the small things a lot longer than the big ones.

But everything ends. And I’ll tell you why you have to make the small things, the small moments count so much more:

One day, probably a while longer from now, when old age takes ahold of someone, she might just only remember your smile. Everything you ever did together, every second, every moment, every beat, every morning spent in bed, every evening spent together on the sofa, all of that - gone.Everything you ever did will be reduced to the head of a pin. She won’t remember your name. She’ll just remember your smile, and she’ll smile. She won’t know why. It’s a base, gut reaction. But she’ll smile, uncontrollably, and it will come from somewhere so deep as to know that you touched her on a primal, honest, and true level that no scientist, scholar, or savant could ever begin to explain. There is no more. There is nothing else. There is just this: She’ll remember your smile, and she’ll smile.

And you know what? That’s all that really matters in the end.

Source : Ned Hepburn

Even sea creatures know that.

2011-06-04T15:48:00.001+08:00

2011-06-01T14:15:00.000+08:00

Listening to: What If - Jason Derulo.

I glanced up at the sky again.

God, He didn't write the scripts for the puny little players down

here.

We wrote them ourselves-with each day we lived, each word we spoke,

each thought we etched on our brains.

Oh the fluttering of eyelids.

2011-05-31T23:24:00.003+08:00

Listening to: Possibility duet with 三浦大知 - BoA

Sleep was

an elusive stranger that night as I thought about my mother and that

man, about Chris,

about all boys, about men, about romance-and love.

2011-05-30T23:06:00.002+08:00

Listening to : Call Your Name - Daughtry.

Do you remember when it was just you and me? Only the sweeping breeze of yesterday and today's whisper of what's to be. How it had felt to run the long strides and walk those little steps. How I would hold up the walls high up for you. How I distanced myself from everything to keep you from breaking into fragments smaller than you already have. Yes, I remember those days. When I would put a band aid over you and feel so helpless when I couldn't stop the bleeding. When I couldn't get out of bed because I didn't know how to make things easier for you. And I ran. I always do. Because nothing seem permanent when I run. How even when everything else is falling apart and shattering, I just kept running on. How in between, I stop at halts. I make faults. I create situations. And I do this for you to see how difficult things are going to get in the future. Because all I wanna do now is run. I don't know what is going on inside anymore.

The Unfinished Story.

2011-05-26T22:52:00.003+08:00

Listening to: Yiruma - If I Could See You Now.

Its how I don't have to try so hard to be anyone or anything, because that is what I do. Every single day of my life. I don't have to be right or wrong, to know that no matter what I say or do, I will never be judged for living and wearing my own skin. Not with you. This is a feat that used to drain the fears within me for I never liked getting too close to comfort with just about anyone. Its just how effortless it is for me to be completely myself when it comes to you. Absentmindedly laughing and being happy about nothing at all. This is a state of bliss I crave for so much, that will never be permanent.

Of shoelaces, hairsprays and warm cuddles.

2011-05-24T00:25:00.004+08:00

Listening to: Nada Surf - I Like What You Say.

He Who Wears These Shoes, Makes Me A Happy Child.

I chose to write them than fight them.

2011-05-15T11:49:00.004+08:00

Listening to : Snow Patrol - Run

I guess I'm weird because I don't do confrontations. Because I know somethings can never be justified. My side of the story, for example. How often it goes untold. I don't want them heard. Not because I don't make clarifications of how I really feel inside. I guess it is just me and the way I deal with my pain. I never do like saying them out aloud, for fear that every utter of the truth will only bring upon pain that hurts a hundredfold worse. I only tell myself these words of comfort, "I have gone through worse. This is nothing". This is nothing when you compare it to a broken heart and a bleeding wrist. Yes, I've gone through worse.

But no wise words will stop the bleeding.

2011-05-14T16:51:00.010+08:00

Listening to : Breakeven - The Script.

Things that made me smile today!

Desktop.

Spongeman.

He's THE namja.

And my sexy brother

cause he's back in town!

When the bells rang, only silence registered because nobody was listening anyway.

2011-05-12T21:16:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Kids - MGMT.

This is one of those rare times I shut myself out for good from everyone, from the world I love so much even when it eats me up from the inside. Why? Simply put, I just feel as though the world no longer deserve to feel my presence since it has been taking me so much for granted. Call me selfish, conceited, and shamelessly self-serving. Ask yourself or the person next to you, "Are you not?" Because the world I know now is too selfish and I've finally come to grow too sick of it. About time someone screams a big, I TOLD YOU SO. I've never felt so defeated about life, people and the world in general.

2011-05-12T20:48:00.000+08:00

You know some friends are almost as fake as crop circles when they let feelings get into the way of a true friendship. Lesson learned. And life moves on.

03; Mums and Cancer.

2011-05-08T11:28:00.014+08:00

Listening to : If It Means A Lot To You - A Day To Remember

- A Mother’s Journey, Sacramento Bee Photography (2007 Pulitzer Prize for Feature Photography)

This is to all mothers,

our saviors, warriors, and best friends,

for their sacrifices, love and constant battles against everything that comes our way.

Happy Mother's Day.

Feeling "all pictures, no words" moment.

2011-04-23T12:15:00.003+08:00

Listening to: Katy Perry - E.T.

The Best Friend and I.

Sun-kissed skin so hot will melt your popsicles.

2011-04-21T09:38:00.007+08:00

Listening to : Katy Perry - Not Like The Movies.

Here's a rejuvenated-me looking all chilled in class. A first time in a looooooooong while.

Finals ended yesterday with our Introduction to Business as the last paper. Farewell CA last night, and I finally got the privilege to testify on how God has been so real to me this year. PTL! "No Turning Back, No Turning Back <3" Finally decided on being a Bruin, hello Californians! I am finally a soon to be freshman of University of California, Los Angeles class of 2015! West Coast represent yo (:

Its the end of Spring semester.
You shall be dearly missed!

Give me a little truth.

2011-04-17T00:36:00.005+08:00

When friends and people who are there just for the time being cross the lines into the fog, that is when you have to start running, stop caring, and never look back. No I'm not distressed. Just defeated. I don't know what or who to believe anymore. I am in disbelief. Awe, perhaps. With all your lies, pretenses and false acts you pull before my eyes. I am repulsed.

And my only comfort is just You.

Yours truly.

2011-04-14T17:18:00.008+08:00

Listening to : Taylor Swift - Enchanted.

This.

This is for all those times you never judged me.

This is for all those times you took your time to understand me.

This is for all those times when my world came crumbling down, and you held me up, firm and tight.

This is for all those times you caught me when I fell on the cold, hard ground.

This is for all those times you never gave up on me.

This is for all those times you put your trust in me especially when I don't myself.

This is for all those times you think I'm best when I'm at my worst.

This is for all those times you watched me from afar even when you were trying so hard not to.

This is for all those times I took you for granted.

This is for all those times you took care of me and my mess even when I didn't want you around to see me like that.

This is for all those times you told me the truth but I never believed you.

This is for all those times when you gave, gave, and gave but I only took, took, took and took some more.

This is for all those times you made me smile when there was nothing to be happy about.

This is for all those times you gave me everything but I threw them all away single-handedly.

This is for all those times I pushed you away but you kept coming back.

This is for all those times you wore that suit of armor on you every single time I throw my fits, tantrums and cries on you.

This is for all those times you called me beautiful when I knew I was in my ugliest form.

This is for all those times you taught me to be strong on my own.

This is for all those times when you gave me the space I needed to lick my wounds, simply because you knew I needed it.

This is for all those times I was never good enough for you.

This is for all those times you took me away from reality when I needed escape.

This is for all those times I left you behind but you would always still be there, waiting.

This is for all those times I have made you wait, but you were always so patient with me.

This is for all those times you were hurt because of me; things I've said and done.

This is for all those times you saw the real me beneath those veiled masks I put on my faces but you never said anything so.

This is for all those times you asked, but I couldn't give you my answer because I was too selfish, too scared and too much of a coward.

This is for all those times I never said anything because I wasn't strong enough to put up a fight.

This is for letting me walk away from you just so that I realize I cannot be on my own without you.

This is for being my best friend.

This is for letting you wait.

This is for me trying to be the girl you deserve.

The world is colder without you around, it's true :c

If you had ever been running, you'll know.

2011-04-08T17:47:00.005+08:00

Listening to: Inevitable - Anberlin.

I used to think I have the whole world at my feet, that I would one day conquer it within my grasp. I used to feel invincible. I used to feel so small under the large canvas of atmosphere above me, but yet so significant, so loud, so indispensable that it didn't matter. I would walk on the pavement of the streets under the shimmering streetlights and evening skies. I would count my steps. One two three. Heave a deep breath. Four, five, six. Listen to the nothingness around me. Seven, eight, nine. And I run. I would run as fast as I could, with every ounce of strength that I have. I run, run and run some more. Ten. I have absolutely no more care for anything and everything in the world.

Me and my aching bones, we're already jaded.

2011-04-06T13:32:00.002+08:00

Listening to: Avril Lavigne - Tomorrow.

It seems like there are many unspoken thoughts hidden away in my head lately. And I find myself writing them out so very often during different times of the day. Here I am again, trying to piece my thoughts together in the middle of the night because there is no other way I could find comfort in to express myself effectively. I am dreading the day where I will finally put a say on things. It doesn't help either that I couldn't bring myself to put a definite halt to these things. Let me tell you now that I don't want to try anymore. I'm tired of running in circles, trying to understand if this could really be, convincing myself to reason with all the whatnots. I want to end this once and for all, because I know that I am never going to be good enough and you, you will always be my almost.

Maybe you're right, I do have this ego that rise high above like towering walls around my heart. But trust me, when I say, this is going to hurt me most.

So here I am, saying goodbye to my apathy once more.

2011-04-05T20:01:00.004+08:00

Listening to: Kris Allen - Before We Come Undone.

Pride is out the door, cause I know we can make it before.

The hardest part isn't shedding this skin or being transparent before everyone else and let the world judge you. The hardest part is not liking what you see in the mirror because there's no escape when you are the judge of yourself. I need to start picking up these crumbling pieces of myself, perfect that smile and make sure that its genuine from the inside out.

Don't ask me cause I'm still trying to figure out what went wrong..

2011-04-05T00:23:00.006+08:00

Listening to: Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars.

I have been feeling pretty down lately after recently being rejected from my dream schools, which included UPenn and Brown (though it was kind of expected, I never thought it would hurt me this much) and it came upon my realization after several days of torturing myself in self-pity and guilt that I really really needed to pull through this and get a grip of myself. Many have approached me with words that implored me to be grateful with the schools that I already have at the moment. But having my dreams shattered right before me, I couldn't help but to feel defeated at having to face with the harsh reality that I had missed out on this timeless opportunity to live my dream when I was just this close for the rest of my life. This is a huge lesson learned. And I will never know why the admission people chose the others over me. Or why I was not good enough. How and what determines the selectivity of the admissions. Why. Questions. So many things I don't know about and probably will never know. In a feeble attempt to save myself from drowning in my pool of pathetic-ness, here I am seeking comfort in reading, deciphering, writing and just being in close proximity with words, words and more words. My hands are itching to write but nothing could really manifest from my already dejected self and crestfallen spirit. All my head could register at this moment is, "I don't know, I don't know, I will never know."

So, well, since so many have asked to read, here's (ironically) an excerpt of what my Brown essay looks like, an essay that spells exactly what I feel and think right at this moment - I don't know. Pretty interesting actually the amount of times I've seen this sentence for the past few days.

* * * * *

I am human. I am not more than my body of flesh. But if we are all merely living vessels, how then did our ancestors build skyscrapers that brimmed the heavens, swim across the continents in deep blue oceans and soar high in the air above the ground in winged-machines? I do not know. I am not more than the tongue in my mouth. But if my tongue is taught only to speak accordingly and initiate conversations, how then could it learn to tell tales and spin lies? I do not know. I am not more than the nose I use to smell. But if my nose detects the familiar aroma of my mother’s cooking and the smell of plasticine from my childhood, how then could it be that some are sniffing coke and inhaling drugs? I do not know. I am not more than the pair of eyes in my head. But if I can see the good in people and the consequences of wrongdoing, how then could the others see only the bad and pleasure in doing harm? I do not know.

I am human. I am not more than the palms of my hands. But if my hands know only to write, heal and create, how then could there be those that steal, hurt and destroy? I do not know. I am not more than the blood surging through the pulses of my veins. But if millions of Lilliputian rivers run through my body coloring my insides red, how then could a person die when one tiny capillary called the coronary artery ruptures in the heart? I do not know. I am not more than the skin stretched across my frame. But if I can overlook the color of my skin and embrace the variety of many others’ that live amongst us, how then could oppression and racism come about to crack the harmony that was promised upon the people of all nations? I do not know. I am not more than the life I breathe every passing day. But if we are given the power to create life, could we then perhaps have the power to bring the dead back to life? I do not know.

Because I am only human, I do not know what I do not know. While I do know what I know, there is always more that I do not know than meets the eye. Maybe I will never know everything there is to know, but then again isn’t that what learning is all about? There is always something you do not know, no matter how much it is that you know. Indeed, the irony lies within the fact that a real education begins not with what you know but what you do not know. Because only then, we attempt to ask, seek and experiment. Right now, I really don’t know what I do not know.

I know.

2011-04-02T21:39:00.004+08:00

Listening to: Maddi Jane - Just The Way You Are.

It wasn't how I expected it to be. It didn't turn out to be what I thought it would be. Everything stopped for that one moment and I didn't know what to do. I looked around helplessly. Trepidation and shivers overwhelmed me as though my body had forgotten how to react. And then something snapped in me. And I knew immediately that this thing, whatever it is inside of me, it can never be mended back in shape again. I was suddenly exhausted, happy and woeful all at the same time. They blended with one another so well they became one entity, enveloping my entire being like the thawing of ice against fire.

The little dirty glances you give me when I look at you and how our eyes light up together because we were trying so hard sniffling silent laughters. You and your contradictory attributes, I could see through. You making conversations. You making ends meet.

Me writhing in agony on the inside, wearing the smiles on the outside. You must never know.

Birthday

2011-03-30T08:38:00.002+08:00

Listening to: Darlin' - Avril Lavigne.

Just please, please. Let me get just this. This is all I ask for. Give me my best birthday present ever.

Stir it up in our hearts.

2011-03-20T11:38:00.004+08:00

Listening to : Secondhand Serenade - Its Not Over.

‎"In the chaos, in confusion, I know You are sovereign still. In the moment of my weakness, You give me grace to do Your will."

We have lost another beloved lecturer to cancer this morning. My heart feels heavy, very much alike to many others who had personally known him, missed him and now, lost him. Lives are still in peril in Japan. Breaths are ceasing while mine prevails as I sit here this morning, typing and reflecting this. After a near dice with death earlier this week, I am shaken with the thought of it. I could smell it. See it. Tasted it with my blood gushing out from my very own mouth. I've laid in bed, thinking of death and the emptiness of the coming abyss. There is nowhere left to run.

Let there be stillness in this chaos. Let there be light in this darkness. Lord, let there still be You in this mess. I need You. We need You.

Let's Pray For Japan - Paulo Coelho.

Lord, protect our planet, because we live here, and here we dwell with our daily tragedies.

May our daily reconstruction be the result of the very best that we carry within us.

Give us the courage

to be able to reconstruct what was destroyed

to be able to recover what was lost

to be able to accept what was gone forever.

May you give us courage to look ahead,

may we never look back nor allow our soul to be discouraged.

Lord, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing.

Lord, may the Earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. Do not leave us in solitude.

Have compassion on us, Lord. For we often think we are dressed when we are naked.

Do not forget, in your mercy, our friends in Japan, who are now teaching us the meaning of Courage, Reconstruction, Solidarity and Enthusiasm.

Amen

日本の為に祈ります

主よ、我々の住むこの惑星を守りたまえ

私達は日々、悲劇と直面しながらこの星の上で生きています

私達が行う日々の復興活動が私達にとっての最善/最高の結果であります事を

破壊された生活を立て直す勇気を私達に与えてください

失った物を回復させる勇気を私達に与えてください

永遠に失われたものを受け入れられるように勇気を与えてください

決して後ろを振り返る事なく、前進する勇気を与えてください

私達の魂がこの苦難を乗り越えられますように

主よ、私達に熱意/情熱を与えてください

熱意/情熱は、それに真剣に取り組んでいるかぎりは

全ての事は可能だという事を私達に教えてくれます

主よ、この地球が種を小麦へと

小麦からパンへと変える力を与えてください

そして私達を決して一人きりにしないでください

主よ、私達に思いやりを

しばしば、私達は裸なのに服を着込んでいると思い込んでしまうのです

主よ

勇気、復興、連帯と情熱の意味を教えている日本の友人達の事を忘れないでください

アーメン

Inside Out.

2011-03-18T10:17:00.004+08:00

Listening to : Jana Kramer - I Won't Give Up.

Its funny realizing how I still bounce to the beat and hum the words of those songs - these familiar symphonies that I used to hold vengeance against for shattering my heart, or what was left of it anyway. Its funny realizing I still like what I liked. These things that I could easily associate to what hurts most; you, the aftermath, the tears, and the bleak sightings of my future. The songs that deem to be our goodbye lullabies, the way you strummed your guitar, and those good-for-nothing songs we called our own. What of them? I am never one to give up on anything, not when I can still die trying. Simply put, I realize how little you mean to me now - how trivial, how insignificant and how unworthy the memory of you means to me now. I'm confused. I really am. What does this say about those promises we made? What does this say about how I felt for you and that love you once declared so real for me? Most important of all, what does this say about me? Am I all but a quack of a charlatan vying for undying love yet quickest to let go and forget when the end comes? You, you were always short-lived. Always ending before I could come to appreciate. You, in epitome of the you, you, and you I once hold so dear. And me, I am always falling short of you. Me, I am always falling for the silhouette of your back. Always chasing for you only after you have turned away from me. Am I really just liking the chase and trill of wanting something I can't have? I'd like to think that I'm invincible, that I have the upper hand and that I have the final say. So really, am I just merely liking the situation you always put me in? The heartaches and regrets. They don't make sense.

Its tiring.

I have grown so tired and sick of those little mind games and heart wars people play before they call it quits. When will people come to learn that relationships stem from all the little things that matter? That the most amazing part of a relationship and marriage comes from just one thing - friendship. The moment you stop being friends is the moment your relationship ends. Before I risk sounding like a pessimistic love expert at work, I honestly don't believe a relationship can last without the essentials of a friendship.

Why do people choose convenience over quality?

I don't know. Maybe these people, they are so afraid with the thought of being alone that they would chance over the risk of screwing up each other's life in a roller coaster ride of a relationship.

I've said again and again that my heart is off limits. That the pleasure of embracing love is something I can never again come to believe. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a something. I don't want to be something to someone. I don't want to play pretend. I don't want to ever again shiver at the thought of once being so close in proximity with someone whom I don't even talk or recognize now anymore. I don't want to listen to "our" songs and realize how it doesn't even hurt to hear and sing them anymore. I don't want to realize how cruel or how heartless I can be just because my heart don't ache hearing or talking about you anymore. I am done with the repetitive I love yous and forever always that don't measure up.

Sometimes its really all it could take for me not to surprise myself with a start when I sing out loud one of these love songs I used to hate so much just to realize I don't really care anymore.

2011-03-15T17:00:00.002+08:00

People say you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til its gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought you’d never lose it.

2011-03-15T16:38:00.005+08:00

Listening to : Jordin Sparks - No Air.

Some long-overdue pictures taken in Red Box, IOI Mall Puchong last year.

PANORAMA OF A K-BOX.

All Glory To You!

2011-03-13T12:37:00.006+08:00

Listening to : Not Enough - Avril Lavigne

It has really been a while since I had a real update on how things are doing over here and how I've been lately, it seems. Time really flies, its already March before I knew it and half of the semester is almost gone by now. Countdown to departure : 4 months! I'm barely home even now anyways, to my dismay. This time around I've been so caught up with college that I actually spent my previous two weekends over at Shah Alam in hostel. The last few days were bombarded with a train of mid-semester exams, planning for business project, dance practice for America's Got Talent, brainstorming for Halloween event and the very very entertaining video shoot I had. I had my first real taste of the said dreadful Spring Semester last week where I barely had 3 hours of sleep everyday! You can imagine how nice it felt sleeping on my own bed at home after so long yesterday (p/s : especially after receiving my university acceptance confirmation) Things are so much bearable this semester, though everything's practically new to me: new classmates, new subjects, new experiences. I had my fair share of being a part of a class that consists mostly 70% of the Bank scholars, and I really bonded along well with them. They're a crazy bunch! But then again, aren't all Bank scholars?

So what have happened so far this awesome, awesome year?

Successfully submitted all my university applications by 30th December 2010!
Had a God-felt first week of prayer meetings!
Had SAT retake on January
Fell down the stairs and suffered major bruises on both my lower calfs and knees.
Choked on ikan bilis
Had a terrible eye infection and had to pay a visit to the eye specialist.
Prophesied that these misfortunes shall herald good things to come and I was right!
Had to miss ACTS Army Camp to go for University of Pennsylvania's interview and did a written interview by Brown University a few days after.
Got wait-listed for University of Michigan Ann Arbor. Final results coming in April.
Celebrated a pretty failed birthday surprise for mummy (:
Was in the company of several Korean exchange students from Seoul. Brought them over to CA for two consecutive Thursday and had a great time knowing them all, especially Hyun Woo.
Had a farewell barbecue party at Ria's house in Shah Alam for our much-loved lecturer, Mr. Ateef.
Attended darling Vivien's 19th birthday party bash at Gardens Sunway Pyramid and gave her some very epic presents. Teehee.
Busied myself with dancing alongside my fellow ADFPian girls in a contemporary cum traditional dance. Loved it!
Spent some quality time with our Mr. Exclusive Kamal at IKEA for meatballs and daim cake<3
Received my first admission from NYU, New York University!
And just yesterday, checked my admission status on the Californian Universities and received my second admission to UCLA, University of California Los Angeles!

Praise God for making things possible.

Praise Him for everything and the many good things yet to come!

I hit the right nerve.

2011-03-07T02:43:00.001+08:00

I'm the girl who prefers one rose instead of a dozen. I’m the girl who would rather stay in on a Friday night than go to a wild party with random strangers. I'm the girl who wouldn’t make you wait on her hand and foot, but would do anything to make you happy. I’m the girl who would enjoy having a movie night rather than going to some fancy restaurant. I’m the girl who would rather stay up all night sharing secrets than going out and getting drunk. I’m the girl who won’t make you hold her bags, but would rather hold your hand instead. I’m the girl who will love you more than anyone can possibly dream of. I’m the girl who would give the world to see you smile.

Perfect quintessence of the girl I am.

Everybody Hurts.

2011-02-25T10:17:00.004+08:00

Listening to : Avril Lavigne - Everybody Hurts.

Murderous.

I like this best. When you're this near.

But I won't say a thing. And you, so near.

Just like this.

While my heart throbs. Hurt, with the tiny lapses of premature ventricle contractions.

While you quietly just comfort me with your presence.

Everything hurts lesser.

A Mum That Is Out of My League.

2011-02-14T23:32:00.003+08:00

"It was through these bars. Exactly the way I saw it each time of everyday then. This door. From this point of view. This same empty space that drained the blood from my face every time I looked at it. Everything I saw at the moment could only be deciphered in sepia, droning and solemn. My heart pounding loud in my ears, I would hold my breath as I looked through these bars. And then I would wait. Wait for the comforting sound of her car pulling into the pave-way. A small prayer thanking God escaping my mouth would follow after that. I did this every single day for three weeks.

I love books. I love a lot of things. I love reading, writing, tenses, idioms, adverbs, adjectives, numbers, division, algebra, integration, ratio and words like egregious and vicissitude. And I owe it all to her. She taught me to love to read, write and speak. To embrace reading at such a young age, it became a habit. A passion to me. She gave me what was most important, something so precious, a companion I would have for life, for she had given me the love for books. For everything I am and I have in me, I owe them all to her.

For seventeen years of my life, I took everything for granted. For seventeen of my life, she raised me, knowing she have had the choice of not being obligated to do so. For seventeen years of my life, I called her "Mum" without truly meaning it. For seventeen years of my life, she fulfilled her earnest duty as my mother. But for seventeen years of my life, I was not her daughter. Or rather, I was one that was not fit to be referred to as her daughter, I never behaved like one. Words that were uttered from my mouth were venom, her words that I turned a deaf ear to was a slap across her face, words I never said were holes in the heart. Her heart. For seventeen years of my life, she was a mother. My mother. And she must be a heartbroken one.

There were many times when I have felt so ashamed of myself that I could not bring myself to speak to her. And each time involved situations where I would have screwed up and she would come to me, saying these two very magical words "Its okay". For that one serenity-exuding moment, it would feel like it is. Like the world has stopped revolving on its axis, time frozen at that second.That nothing else matters, that everything is indeed, okay. The power of my mother's words. Nobody else could replace.

I was an extremely ignorant child at young. A terribly selfish one with zero sense of prudence. Words shot out of my mouth without much awareness, actions were done without contemplating the effects and decisions were made rashly, very often defying what she would have wanted for me. She was a mother with many worries. She would worry when I walked home alone, when I hadn't call back if I was late, when I couldn't sleep at night, when I wouldn't eat; especially when I decline her offer of my favourite green tea ice cream, even when I cry over a silly fight with my brother or my friends. For someone so busy, juggling with serving me and my family along with work, she has had many to worry for. But I was never sensible enough to lessen her worries. Instead, I added onto the increasing wrinkles on her face and backpain. True when said, I was, really indeed never her daughter. Not good enough to be one.

I've recently read this one very inspiring book by Mitch Albom. This book has struck many chords in me, reminding me now and then of my mum, of mothers and how their love for their children can be so endlessly self-sacrificial.

"I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in so doing, they split you apart."— Mitch Albom (For One More Day)

It was a Friday. 18th September 2009 to be exact. She was ill. I never cared enough to know she was that ill. And as my eyes laid sight on her on the floor, my whole world came crashing down, right there and then. I froze. For the first time in my seventeen years of life, the word "numb" hit me. Hard. Fast. I stumbled. I muttered the words " I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mum. I'm so sorry" over and over and over again. As I looked at her, half conscious in my arms, I felt fear. Fear that shook my entire body with continuous trepidation.

I understood what "death" and "loss" meant at that moment. And that was when I knew, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to see her die, there, right there that particular day, that particular time. I want to be her daughter, one that she pronounced she had never been prouder to have as a beloved daughter. I want her to say "I'm glad you're my daughter". I want to be a part of her life, to be someone who matters in her life, to be the person she had sacrificed so much and raised me to be. I want her to know how important she is to me, how she is all the reasons to who and why I've become the person I am as of today and now.

Something in me changed that day. Its that something where you were so near to the edge of losing someone as powerful as your mum that it changes you, it changes everything you are, inside and out. My life changed that day. Everything I know changed. I became a daughter. My mother's daughter. At times, I still do fail. I still succumb to my unruly rampant hormones that strike unexpectedly with absolutely no mercy. But at least I know now, that I'm doing it right, because this time, right now I don't even try. I don't even have to try, I just do whatever it is I'm doing. Because for now I have become and am truly a daughter. My mother's daughter.

Happy Birthday and Happy Valentine's, Mum.

I love you."

That was what I wrote exactly one year ago today.

Valentine's Day ever since the day I learned how to understand my alphabets always has been about only one person : my mum, who by God's will, celebrates her birthday every year on the 14th of February. I was sitting in my favorite corner in the library today reading Tony Parson when the song, Out of My League by Stephen Speak started playing on my iTunes.

The words,

"and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again"

struck me hard right there and then.

Albeit many would have perceived that song to be one dedicated to a significant other, I found myself relating those words instead to my mum. Lately especially, I felt as though it was getting harder and harder to live up to being a good daughter - let along my mum's daughter. Very often, I find myself undeserving of a supermum like my very own mum. The great lengths she goes to and the extra miles she is always willing to go for me, they put me to shame in comparison. Indeed, my mum - she was and still is the epitome of perfection. She is the perfect mum whom I always felt that is out of my league, growing up in her embrace all these years. Two years after what happened, I am still pretty much shaken with all the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. Two years after what happened, the fear of losing her is still here. I remembered those nights of waking up in the middle of the night, peeping through her bedroom just to see if she was still there and alive. That was how scared I was. How much I needed her. How indispensable I realized she is to me. Had anything happened to her at that very moment, I wouldn't know where and how, or who I would have been right now, at this moment. I thank God for today, for the days that had passed by peacefully and the ones yet to come, for the well-being and good health of my family today.

Thank you, God for this wonderful mum and her beautiful presence - a mum whom I believe, will always always be out of my league.

Love you, mum! (:

My Victorious Defeat.

2011-02-11T00:43:00.005+08:00

The SAT results came out a few hours ago.

And I said my prayers almost frightfully before checking the results. Tentatively, I chose my words nicely. I prayed only for one thing, "God, show me what I have reaped, for I have sowed." No. This is not the kinda story where I bargained God to be a better Christian, or made a deal to be less sinful just to miraculously be granted Ivy League- standard scope of SAT scores. This is not the kind of miracle stories of how people pray and miracles manifest themselves right before their eyes. This is one of those cynical face-the-facts-bitch stories unseen and unheard in the dark alleys of our society. Why, you ask? Simply because not every story worth telling is one that ends with a happy ending.

This was my second try. And I got a score of 1990. Ten points below the supposedly safety zone of 2000 and a gazillion more points below my pride, expectations and dreams that I can already imagine pouring down the drains right to the sewers in my backyard. Gone and one day, forgotten. This was my second try. I got a score of 1990. My ears, they seemed to have been deafened by the cacophonous sound of my shattered hopes and mellow cries of guilt. My tear ducts, they seemed to have lost utter control over the pouring drops on my face. And my conscience, torn it is for the love of God, because I never seemed to be good enough when everyone else triumphs in their sweet victories. My head, it can only register the vague image of those four figures, but not the consequences, not the harbored dreams back then in the halcyon days, not the acknowledgement of wanting something you can't get. I got a score of 1990. Happy now? My brain retorted in wrath. Stop asking, people. Eschew those text messages. Overlook those spams of comments on Mark Zuckerberg's doodling space that shot to fame overnight. Reject those phone calls. I got a score of 1990. Shall I jump off the building in imitation of Alviss Kong? Shall I perhaps then torture myself into writing an entire page of how I could've done better if I had studied just a little longer/harder/more? (even when a genius friend of yours have landed a score of 2180 with just a few hours of revising the night before) How is it fair? Shall I compare?

Many would've said this right now in my shoes: " Maybe this is God's will, that I belong elsewhere and I resign to this fate for I believe He knows what's best for me". I beg to defy. Even amidst these hot tears of chagrin and disappointment, I refuse to admit defeat to the intertwinement of God in shaping my destiny. I wipe away these shallow attempts of self-consolation in the form of thick tears. I peel off this skin that outdid me, that always seemed to carry too much weight than what I could really bear. I shed this layer of shame and concede the truth that nobody but myself despised. I stand here, stark and stripped of anything; even the name bestowed to me that I never seem to able to live up to. I got a score of 1990. I am sorry for the money wasted. I am sorry for your high hopes for me. I am sorry for not being the best version of myself I could and should have been. I am sorry for the hurt and pain inflicted upon you, I am sorry that you have to learn your lesson this way. I am sorry, self, for cutting you short this time.

I am never going to be admitted into the Ivies. I can only keep dreaming, and falling. Dreaming and falling. Like a labyrinth of our ecosystem that goes around and comes around. Like the web of lies we so often weave to adorn the harsh reality. I will shrivel into a beef jerky and die in a cold, dark place in the realms of Alaska where nobody can see how ashamed I am of myself. How I want to give up everything and crawl back to my comfort zone where there is no competition, no intimidation, no comparison, no darned SAT score and ironically, no life. How I feel like smashing my Mac into bits and tatters because I am just so frustrated with my incapability to perform. How I shall never pray anymore to this blind faith that doesn't seem to do the trick for me as for everyone else.

No. Many people would have said that in my shoes right now. But I beg to differ.

I got a score of 1990. And although I am absolutely crushed to the extent of being completely immobile and incapable of even uttering a single word of comfort to my wrecked self, I beg to differ. I will speak of these four figures with the honor they have earned and deserved from all my efforts to achieve at least this score. I will look into the pupils of the questioner with my piercing smile and tell him that I have done my best, albeit apparently not hard enough. But that's another story. I shall brand this four figures onto the pages of my notebook in remembrance of this huge lesson established against my will today. I shall proudly exclaim to the invigilator in my upcoming interview how I got a score of 1990 and how it will be the exact reason why I should be admitted to his school rather than of it be an arrant flaw to my application. I got a score of 1990. But I am not going to parade my disappointment and sulk for the entire world to see. I got a score of 1990. I cried and now I'm happy because I know. I know that I am worth more than that mere sum of four digits. I may only get a score of 1990. But I am going to be a somebody one day.

Just wait and see.

Because I was gone for far too long.

2011-02-01T18:45:00.003+08:00

Listening to : Pink - * Perfect.

I miss you.

I miss reading the trail of sentences you write with your heart held wide open. Unafraid of the truth, yet pervasive at their most. I miss knowing how and why you put those words together. I miss seeing the glimpses of you I once knew amidst those familiar trite of lexicons you use when you write. I miss telling you I know how it feels, and with every word you write, I can relate. I miss the little things I do for you. I miss us.

Going down that lane.

2011-01-29T00:26:00.004+08:00

My ACTS Homies! <3

My Church familia.

The Bankers!

My Bank scholars family (hahaha chubby so gay)

AND,

WE THE BOISTEROUS :D
BOSTON.

Our beloved lecturer, Mr. Exclusive Kamal and his little bitches. Word.

ROSHANDA!

*missing my CA family*
CA FAMILY POTRAIT COMING SOON!

AWESOME.
AWESOME.
AWESOME.
AWESOME PEOPLE.

AWESOME LIFE <3

2011-01-10T23:21:00.003+08:00

I John 4:18
There is no fear in love; for perfect love casteth out fear.

Lord God, give me the courage to love because I'm fearful of what I am capable of doing. Bestow me the clarity to do the right thing, for I am lost treading on this tenuous line of what I should do and not this very moment. Cast away this fear in me, Lord for my hands are shaking; my heart trembling, my mouth incapable of saying my prayers to You. I extend my hands to you, Lord to give me power in the words I write. Grant me wisdom and guidance to fix things, Lord. Help me mend things, and restore chaos. In You, I surrender my qualms.

The good and the bad.

2011-01-09T23:45:00.000+08:00

Psalm 120:1
In my distress I cried to the Lord, and He heard me.

As stated (:

You make everything alright.

2011-01-08T19:39:00.003+08:00

Listening to : Chris Daughtry - Life After You

Psalm 91:2
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress : in Him will I trust.

Today I just want to praise God for how I've changed and the state I am right now. Throughout last year, I have come about to share the agony of a few friends whom were deeply troubled due to BGR problems and after several break ups I've witnessed from the least expected couples, I just want to thank God for making me the exception. I want to thank God for his fulfilling love for me that ever since I got to know and accept Him in my life, had never once made me felt unloved. He has always been so patient and kind to me, keeping me in His warmth when the nights were too cold; showering His care & attention to me and only me during the loneliest days; He never forsakes me, giving me promises and validations brimful only of the truth. I want to thank God that while my peers rely on their girlfriends and boyfriends for support, comfort, attention and love, I relied on Him. While I initially had nobody, He came into my life and provided me with everything a lover could. He gave me strength to be able to be alone. He gave me courage to face my fears and fight my battles on my own. Today, truly I just want to thank Him for giving me more time and capacity to love Him. To love my parents. To love my brother. To love my friends. To cherish the presences of the people all around me (:

And to love the sister I never had, Ping <3

Get well soon pretty please, dear! (:

2011-01-07T17:00:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how you can literally be ONE step away from MASSIVE positive change

in your life.

Just one step.

Right there.

Kind of there in front of you, but not really in front of you.

It doesn't pop out from the background.

Just sitting there, waiting for you to notice it.

And then to try it.

And then to realize that's EXACTLY what you should've been doing all this time

because it has triggered such massive positive change and momentum toward

your goal.

What's that ONE STEP for you that's right under your nose right now?

Here's a big clue.

It's usually *that* step you've been putting off for the longest time.

- Brian Kim.

Reflection.

2011-01-07T16:03:00.005+08:00

Listening to : Taylor Swift - Last Kiss.

Mark 11.25 -26
And when you shall stand to pray, forgive, if you have aught against any man: that your Father also, who is in heaven, may forgive you your sins. But if you will not forgive, neither will your father that is in heaven forgive you your sins.

I am not as close with my friends from high school. As much as I hate admitting it, the truth prevails and I cannot even come close to denying this fact. I stumbled upon V's blog today and it was a dismay. Reading what she wrote about the sixteen year-old me who was the manifestation of a bitch was painful. Really painful. Why? Because almost everything she had written about me was real. The truth. I was a horrible friend. I was whiny. Rude. Manipulative. Everything and just anything you would say to describe Regina George. I was a goody-good Mean Girl. I was the typical high school nerd that reigned the school, always unconsciously grabbing unnecessary attention from the guys and also the teachers' pet. I was that kinda girl you would really hate if you were a girl. I had the good grades, attention I didn't deserve and the air of Blair Waldorf.

I had girlfriends, whom I always took for granted, or at least I feel so. I could never really belong to a clique. Somehow in some ways, things would go awry and I would fall behind almost every time. A year graduating from high school now, I can confirm this to be true. I had yet again fallen behind.

I had a childhood best friend whom I grew up with, but was never close to anymore in high school. She left for Australia and that was the last I've heard from her, aside from the slight mentions on facebook. I had a best friend of five years whom didn't seem interested enough to keep in touch with me anymore after graduating from high school. I remember initiating efforts to call her, text her and meet her whenever possible only to be seen as desperate and receive several pangs of rejection on my face. And I still miss her very much. I had girlfriends whom often sit a few seats away from me to avoid conversations with me during reunions in fear of the daunting awkwardness, besides the exception of a few who remained to be in close proximity with me even to this day. Thankfully, I had guy friends whom never fail to want to know more about how I am doing at the moment, where I am heading with my future and talk to me whenever possible. I am truly thankful for them, the remaining ones.

Talking about my friends in high school is often very difficult for me. I never was able to speak of it easily even when asked. People here, so often wondered about my life in high school because I never did spoke a word about it at all. I am ashamed for my naivety and selfishness that had brought forth the broken and misplaced relationships with the presumably closest people I should have had during my younger days. I surrender to God for this burden to be taken away from me. For they are getting heavier each day. I pray for the days of regretting I could have tried harder to be a better friend to cease. I uplift my regrets to God. I want to tell God that I am sorry. I want to repent for the chances I have had that I forwent in pursuit of my own pride. I want God's courage to speak my regrets and past aloud. I want God to get involved. I want God to make things right because I am so tired of falling short for the person I was. I pray for God's forgiveness.

Lastly, I want to thank God for giving me my truest friends here in INTEC who love me unconditionally and teach me everyday the meaning of friendship.

Obedience.

2011-01-06T22:36:00.004+08:00

Deuteronomy 30:10
If you obey the LORD your God and keep his commands and decrees that are written in this Book of the Law and turn to the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

I fasted for a total of 19 hours today! Bad for my weak tummy, yes I know. But I managed to last for the day. Praise God for giving me the determination and strength to make it to the end! I never thought it was possible at all in the beginning, given my history with severe gastritis and whatnot. But I did it (and yes, I'm very proud of myself)! Hence the title of today, the power of obedience. I have been attending prayer meeting for a total of four days in a row now. It has been a first for me and Ping to be attending such prayer meet ups since we decided to abort them the previous semester due to some excuses that in retrospect simply cannot measure up to what we came to experience through these prayer meetings. And I believe in this span of four days, never had we ever encountered such spiritual growth. The power of being obedient to God and His plans has taught me that the only way to make things right is simply to get involved with God. Get as involved and personal as possible with God. Make Him not an obligation but a hunger to be satiated, not a responsibility but a thirst to be quenched, and serve him not in desperation but joy. We ended our four-day prayer meetings today in New Life with all members of the CA family. It has been something new for me, and I have since then come to know and love the power of prayers - our obedience to God.

Today has been so rejuvenating, because I was so hungry! I was so, so hungry. Every passing second seemed so precious, every word, every prayer that came from our mouths as if building a platform for us to grow stronger in faith. Most important of all, it was knowing that we were all hungry together. Not for food but for and in the name of God (:

I want more of You in my life.

The power of indulgence.

2011-01-05T21:56:00.000+08:00

Whatever nourishes your soul - make sure you make time for it.

Indulge in it.

Just that act alone can do wonders for you.

Not only that, you may find it expands into possibilities for your life you never

dreamed possible.

Don't write it off.

It's important to do it.

Not only for yourself (but as you may find in the future), for others as well.

- Brian Kim.

Praise to God who comes in Judgement

2011-01-05T21:23:00.008+08:00

Psalm 96
Sing to the LORD a new song;
sing to the LORD, all the earth.
Sing to the LORD, praise his name;
proclaim his salvation day after day.
Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous deeds among all peoples.

For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;  
he is to be feared above all gods.  
For all the gods of the nations are idols,  
but the LORD made the heavens.
 Splendor and majesty are before him;  
strength and glory are in his sanctuary.

Ascribe to the LORD, all you families of nations,  
ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
 Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;  
bring an offering and come into his courts.  

Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness;  
tremble before him, all the earth.
 Say among the nations, “The LORD reigns.”  
The world is firmly established, it cannot be moved;  
he will judge the peoples with equity.

Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;  
let the sea resound, and all that is in it.  
Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them;  
let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.  
Let all creation rejoice before the LORD, for he comes,  
he comes to judge the earth.  

He will judge the world in righteousness  
and the peoples in his faithfulness.

Today I had my first Speech Communication class with a new lecturer. It hit me there and then that I have yet to get rid of the speechlessness that I sometimes encounter due to my anxiety. As the frequent speaker that I am, its getting more and more frustrating to have to deal with this old relapse of stage fright that I once had when I was a lot younger. Its frustrating most when it hinders me from saying what I want to say, as if the thoughts streaming across my head are not in sync with the words coming out from my mouth. In our introductory speech, we were all asked to describe ourselves in one word. The word, "thirsty" immediately sprang into mind. There was no need for further consideration. At that moment, I was surprised to find myself so convinced of the thirst I felt. I remember how sure I was. How thirsty I am for knowledge. How thirsty I am to know more, experience more and learn more. I could feel how thirsty I am to know more about God and His works. The words flowed so naturally, as if they were the ever right thing to say; showing no hint of hesitation. My voice came back to me right at that slight moment I thought of God. And that was when I realized that I was speaking about and for Him, for my thirst can only be quenched by His love for me.

I pray for my voice to be heard tomorrow.

Getting real

2011-01-04T21:04:00.003+08:00

Listening to : Crazy Ride - Michelle Branch.

So this semester's theme is being REAL with God; with our relationship with God and others, towards ourselves, the way we carry ourselves and just being the best version of ourselves. To start afresh this year, I want to implement something new by spending a few minutes everyday for my daily devotion. Not just in prayers, but also in my words, my writing here. I feel this urge to share my passion for God through my His best gift to me, for my ability to write words that will touch the hearts of others. I want to make use of this gift to break down walls and open locked doors. So here's to a new beginning, and dawn of my spiritual life (:

Appreciation.

2011-01-04T09:32:00.002+08:00

2 Corinthians 9:14-15

And by their prayer for you, which long after you for the exceeding grace of God in you.
Thanks [be] unto God for his unspeakable gift.

I came to embrace appreciation like I have never before with God today. There are many things in our lives that seemed so small, things that seemed so convenient for us to forget about and to take for granted. These little miracles that take place in our daily lives are so often overshadowed by what we expect from God, of our expectations that paid no heed to what God has done for us, and instead to what He has not. I reflect upon the many treasures I have as of right now for the opportunities and beautiful presences I have all around me. I hung my head low in agreement and abashment upon hearing the fact that the prayers amongst us these day have begun to stray away from the right path. Prayers have taken a turn to become what I suspect to be a venting getaway for people to unleash their dissatisfactions in life, to quench the thirst of possessing and self- pursuits. People are praying not for salvation, but demand. The significance of appreciation has ceased behind such prayers that demand for God to gratify our wishes instead of asking God what He wants of us.

I pray for the deliverance of appreciation to be restored, I pray for the realizations to dawn upon every prayer made of the actual meaning behind their devotions and I pray for my appreciation towards God to manifest through my words.

My Daily Bread : "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind" —Matthew 22:37

Back Up Plan.

2011-01-03T13:12:00.001+08:00

We all have a tendency to seek comfort/security.

There's just one problem with that though.

It doesn't force you to grow.

It doesn't keep you on your toes.

It doesn't exercise your thinking and creative muscles.

And when life, which is full of change, hits you square in the jaw with a massive

change while you're in your comfort bubble, it'll knock you out senseless.

Never be too comfortable.

Seek risks.

Go the edge.

You'll find it way easier to roll with life's punches.

- Brian Kim.

The Smelliest Person of Chan Legacy.

2011-01-01T18:37:00.003+08:00

Listening to : Planetshakers - I Just Want You.

Consider this an early birthday present, seeing that I'm going back to college early morning tomorrow. How could I forget your big day, eh? You're turning 23 and yes, old - like or not. It do seem surreal how old you're becoming (sorry yeah the truth hurts) because I still see you as that kiamsap fella who likes to read Pakar Judo and squeals over mega sales like an auntie. More surreal is the fact that you're buying G2000 - for work that is! The idea of you graduating and working in some company to sara keluarga is somehow still very surreal to me. It saddens me knowing that I will see you lesser and lesser from now onwards, even after all those years I've lived through my teens without having you around at home. It saddens me more to know that I am getting older too. But lets not make this about me.

There are probably a lot of unsaid things that we ever so deftly avoid telling each other amidst the awkward phase of being siblings. I know more than anyone else how expressively inept our family is, the ol' traditional Chinese-orientated family that we are. It didn't help how rebellious I was during my hormonal streaks as the pampered, spoilt princess I was. I am forever indebted to you, dear brother for the person I am now and the chances I have that you don't. You are famous for being the merciless, strictly no-bullshit big brother to everyone of my acquaintance. Everyone knows how highly I speak of you and how I always put you on a pedestal as your little sister. People marveled at how close and retarded we can be with each other. I just never really thank you properly for everything you have done for me and my life.

I am grateful to have known God through you, for if there is anyone whom I look up to enough to influence me, it would be you. I am glad that while others stumble in the path of finding themselves in their places spiritually, I had you around to tell me all about God when I needed Him the most. I am thankful for the great example you have been to me all my life. While being Chan Yong Xin's little sister all the way up to high school has been a pain, it did help me grow and learn to adopt Chan Ying Zhi as my own identity instead. It taught me to look beyond jealousy and dissatisfaction to be myself, and not in comparison to the almighty you. I appreciate very much to have you parent me around. You were my parent when I got so difficult to handle a few years back, worrying our poor parents so much whom probably didn't know how to deal with their hormonal teenage daughter and her tantrums. While other girls cried to their friends about their boyfriends, you played mum each time you listened and talked to me about my puppy love relationship problems. You played dad whenever I needed reassurance that I am good enough to be person I want to be.

Above all, I am most thankful for the protective big brother you are. While others walked alone dangerously (in peril of snatch thieves and kidnappers hahaha) to school, you accompanied me almost all the time when I had to walk that short distance to school. You clean up my mess when I screw up. You buy me stuff when you could have bought them instead for your girlfriend. You always throw me the harshest and meanest insults, hoping that i could step up to your expectations because you always believe I could be and do more. You almost never give me mercy when it comes to my underperformed grades and education because you always, always want me to do better than you did. Because you don't want me to repeat the same mistakes you have done and come to regret them later like you did. And you are always just a phone call away whenever I needed you.

I don't think I could ever have a better brother than the one you are! You are indeed God's most precious gift to me, aside from my Macbook and my beautiful hair of course hehe. Have a blast tomorrow and enjoy being 23 while you're still young. Happy Birthday, you smelly thing! :D

:3

2011-01-01T07:56:00.002+08:00

Oh all these cute things <3

CAKE. Nom nom nom.

THIS

AND THIS.

Epic.

The inconvenient truth.

2010-12-31T22:20:00.003+08:00

Dejected. If you ask me, that is how I feel right now. I'm chagrined with the fact that after so many new years that came and went, I still feel this way come every beginning of another year. It is a trait that I never can outgrow, it has taken me years to figure that out : I get attached with familiarity far too easily. Leaving this year behind wouldn't be easy, because truly, this is the one year I feel that I have led and lived up to my heart's contents. Or maybe I am not all that intimidated anymore with the idea of another year of the little trite things I can never run away from. The repeating routines of screwing up, coming to your senses, stumbling along the path, have your heart broken a few times, patching things together and looking back only to wish you can relive those moments all over again. I guess as you grow older, you treasure much of what you have rather than what you don't, or at least that is what I feel right now. I am grateful that every day of this year had been so uplifting, with and in the company of the people whom I have grown to be extremely fond of.

Friendships that were misplaced and consigned to oblivion. I made new friends and lost some. Knowing that I put myself out there all the time, I contemplate with myself to understand that it didn't happen because I didn't try. I remember how hard it was for me then. I mourned the loss of connection I once felt with my friends after high school, I envied those who still kept themselves within their own circle of influence, I tried so hard to fit in the bubble where I used to be only to find that I have outgrown it. This year has been mind-blowing, soul-shattering and nerve-racking all at once because it came upon my realization that I have lost my identity the moment I graduated from high school. The matter wasn't so much about me not knowing who I am, but rather, who do I wanna be? The vastness of the world beyond the boundaries of classrooms was so daunting, knowing that I could be whoever I wanted to be and do whatever I wanted to do. There was so much freedom, so much space, so much time to do all the things that I have always wanted to do. To be honest, it freaked me out. It really did. I never felt more alone in my eighteen years of life. I was terrified. I spent a lot of my time, moulding myself to be the venial indiscretion we all call, youth. I experimented with music, fooled around along peers with the same laid-back attitude and finally got hooked onto the prospect of earning money. For all the wrong reasons, might I add.

I used my academia to my advantage, securing almost 1.5k every month with plenty of time left to do whatever I felt like doing. It started out with me wanting to earn most in the least hours. Gradually I couldn't help but to be affected by the nobility of what I was doing. I experienced the burden of responsibility that weighed painstakingly upon my shoulders. I felt needed. I felt so needed. That everyone was counting on me for something big, something important. It paid off. It really did, even those extra classes I made the effort to give for free. And I was so proud of them, my students. Nothing could ever compare to the feeling I felt every time the parents thank me profusely after each class, those times my students told me that I was their best and favorite teacher, and those phone calls they made to tell me how well they did in their exams. Ah they make me a proud teacher. And because I was so caught up with teaching them well, I dedicated all of my time just to teach. And for those seven months, they were my friends. They were my only friends. But it didn't matter.

I never do believe in coincidences. And I never do believe meeting Yoke Ping was a coincidence. Its the way we complement each other that makes me believe that it wasn't a mere coincidence that we got to meet. Knowing how we come about to be each other's comfort, how we encouraged each other to celebrate our pasts and how we always depend on one another in times of need, it is only natural that we grew to be close. In the past, it is so very often unrequited. The kind where I always seek to put myself out there, only to be put second to something or somebody else. The kind that ends oh so abruptly because you just dont care enough to keep up with each other. Perhaps it was because I have had friendships like that all my life, I've been through enough to know that what we have isn't one of those. Or maybe it is the way we always pray together all the time, thanking God for letting us meet, thanking God for being in each other's presence. Maybe, I don't really know.

Things were never really the same again. I'm glad they never were. Knowing and having God in my life was the best thing that has ever happened to me. This year has been so good to me. I cannot thank God enough for everything that I have learned, cried over, laughed about and never once come about to regret. Year 2010 has been so much better, so here's to hoping 2011 would be the best (:

Little things I'm thankful for:

I am thankful for my brother for he is my reason for being.

I am thankful for technology.

I am thankful for INTEC.

I am thankful for ACTS Church.

I am thankful for my camera.

I am thankful for Tumblr.

I am thankful for the ability to be perfectly normal.

I am thankful for Haruki Murakami.

I am thankful for youtube singers.

I am thankful for my best friends and Zaty.

I am thankful for my Mac <3

Happy New Year!

Red Lady Bug.

2010-12-13T16:58:00.003+08:00

Listening to : 2ne1 - You & I

I don't think that they'd understand.

2010-12-13T08:24:00.004+08:00

Listening to : Iris - Goo Goo Dolls.

Its been a while since I wrote anything reflective about the year, and before I know it, December is here. Skunky just left home. Probably on his way back to Singapore now. And the house once more, fell silent. I used to hate this part. This silence, and this solitary. This unkempt loneliness that separates our house from the many others because it is void of a family member. It isn't so much of that I didn't like or want to be alone. Its more that it reminds me that I am growing up, and that Skunky cannot always be around the way I grew up with him having my back. Very much in denial, I guess my level of maturity probably hasn't grown an inch the way Skunky expect it to. Rather deep down, it came to my realization that ever since I've managed to secure this scholarship from the Central Bank, I have become more of a spoilt child than a young adult responsible for herself. Maybe it is the very thought that I won't be able to be my parent's child anymore in a few months, or maybe I just want to relive the familiarity where my family is close at heart while I still can. Truthfully, I'm afraid to go out there into the world on my own. Its not the same kind of afraid the others would probably feel venturing out into a new place for the first time in their lives all alone. Its not the same kind of afraid that you probably would feel stepping your feet down the path of walking your future. It is more that I am afraid to be disappointed by what I see, hear and experience. I am afraid that the world outside isn't what I imagined it would be. I'm afraid that the world may not live up to the expectations I have for it. I am afraid that I may end up doing what everyone else is doing, to be doing something I do not like only for the sake to be in pursuit for wealth, power and possession of people they do not own. I am afraid that I'll turn out to be one of those characters I read in Tony Parson's books where people live in a world stuck in routines, playing marionettes to be forever attached to work and family responsibilities. To think that I have the whole world under my feet right now, as soon as I turn nineteen. To think that I could go to the end of the world and back again to the very opposite end the next day. To think of the infinite possibilities and unborn hopes to make the best out of my life. To think of the many many many many people I'll meet along the way. To think of the languages I can learn to speak, the cultures I can get accustomed to and the books I get to read. I used to think I'm a very fortunate kid. I still do. I just don't spend enough time appreciating that fact.

Grey Hole

2010-12-09T09:59:00.004+08:00

Listening to : Jason Derulo - In My Head.

This feeling. Its reminds me of blood. Thick, sticky and uncomfortable. Do you know the feeling when you're bleeding but you don't remember hurting yourself anyhow? Thats how I feel, like I'm bleeding all over. Cold that crawls on my skin with blood that lingers on my hands and wrist. I clench my fingers; I feel them get all bloody and red. I thirst for the blood, seeing the red on the white of my skin reminds me that I still hurt. I can bleed. But these days, I have been spending them afloat on broken dreams. But the scabs are falling off and the scars fading with the memories that come with them. I walk on static ground, with a fearless feat that overwhelms. I hear all the things I want to hear, just as I only choose to hear them from the lips who said so. We cross rivers, forests and lights to where we can never go back anymore. I see a side of myself I never knew. I feel resuscitated. But it doesn't last. Like tomorrow's yesterday, today is just another day. And I already feel indifferent. In the end, its true when they say the higher you build the walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone tears them down. I breathe easier now. But those walls, they just kept growing higher.

Don't look away, don't run away.

2010-12-01T17:38:00.002+08:00

Listening to : Kate Voegele - It's Only Life.

INSPIRATION 101

"shimmering blur of city lights dancing in the pitch darkness of night"

2010-12-01T05:51:00.002+08:00

Emerson's The Rhodora

On being asked, whence is the flower.

In May, when sea-winds pierced our solitudes,
I found the fresh Rhodora in the woods,
Spreading its leafless blooms in a damp nook,
To please the desert and the sluggish brook.
The purple petals fallen in the pool
Made the black water with their beauty gay;
Here might the red-bird come his plumes to cool,
And court the flower that cheapens his array.
Rhodora! if the sages ask thee why
This charm is wasted on the earth and sky,
Tell them, dear, that, if eyes were made for seeing,
Then beauty is its own excuse for Being;
Why thou wert there, O rival of the rose!
I never thought to ask; I never knew;
But in my simple ignorance suppose
The self-same power that brought me there, brought you.

So ask yourself once more, what if beauty is its own excuse for Being?

earthquakes can't shake us, cyclones can't break us, hurricanes can't take away our love.

2010-11-27T13:57:00.005+08:00

Listening to: Charice feat Iyaz - Pyramid

Because people been complaining that I've been MIA for so long.

Hello! :3

A birthday wish.

2010-11-26T13:48:00.003+08:00

Listening to : Just A Dream - Sam Tsui & Christina Grimmie.

This is the reason why I love Asian Literature.

EXCERPT

Haruki Murakami's Birthday Girl.

I looked at her mouth when she said that.

"What I'm trying to tell you is this," she said more softly, scratching an earlobe. It was a beautifully shaped earlobe. "No matter what they wish for, no matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves. That's all."

"There's another good bumper sticker," I said. "'No matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves.'"

She laughed aloud, with a real show of pleasure, and the shadow was gone.

She rested her elbow on the bar and looked at me. "Tell me," she said. "What would you have wished for if you had been in my position?"

"On the night of my twentieth birthday, you mean?"

"Uh-huh."

I took some time to think about that, but I couldn't come up with a single wish. "I can't think of anything," I confessed. "I'm too far away now from my twentieth birthday."

"You really can't think of anything?"

I nodded.

"Not one thing?"

"Not one thing."

She looked into my eyes again--straight in--and said,

"That's because you've already made your wish."