This past few weeks have been so tedious, so hard. Is this a part of Your revelation to me? A part on my unanswered prayers? Lord, take away this helplessness I have been feeling inside of me. This helplessness I feel as the sense of responsibility weighs down on me, as the longing to see my family grows greater in me more than anything else, as I watch the people I care about come upon me to break down and cry before my eyes, as I pray for the salvation of my loved ones only to see the attempt go in vain, as I see my fellow brothers and sisters falter in faith for You, but there is just simply nothing I could do. Use me, Father. Deliver the right words for me to say, stir up the right things for me to do to comfort these broken hearts. Heal, Father. Heal me. For only in You, I am whole again. Create in me a clean heart, Lord. Renew a right spirit within me. Help me fight this battle, for I know I am no minority. Father, bless us with Your grace. Give me strength. Be my strength. You are strength.

Amen.

It took me all the courage to look up to meet his eyes. A dark pool of ebony, soft and kind, with creases of wrinkles that deepen whenever he smiles. They intimidate me.

He preferred calling me by my Chinese name. It was more personal. Bell, he said, was not.

I felt a hot sensation on my cheeks. And before I knew it, he had reached over for a tissue, and was offering it to me, like it was the most natural thing to do. He edged nearer, almost as if he was ready to catch me lest I fall off my seat. I looked away, abashed.

"I shouldn't be acting like this. I'm sorry"

He only smiled in encouragement. "Its okay. Tell me what's on your mind"

Tears gushed down my face, heavy in melancholy and guilt bathing my conscience. My head pounded a little harder then, and I tightened my grip on the chair. The first symptom of madness, I whispered silently to myself.

I decided at that moment to let out a little sob. I think it inflicted some sort of corresponding pain on him just then, for his eyes reflected a certain sense of helplessness. I only cried harder.

That session was my most memorable session with him amongst the others, despite the lack of conversation. The thought of another being, a stranger, just sharing my pain for a short while was more than enough for me. Other days when I was a little stronger, I would attempt to say a few jokes, making the conversation as pleasant as possible and less tedious for him to be doing what he was doing. Some days, just like this one, were allocated for me to cry to my heart's contents. Just because I can. Just because that 50 minutes of trying to make things better for myself was the only time I could afford to do so. He never gave up on me. There was something selfless in the way I try harder everyday to fight the battle on my own eventhough others may perceive it as a sign of selfishness, he reminded me now and then. Those were the words I held on to, to this very day.

That day was the first time he told me how he hated his job because he was seeing the people who came and went cry everyday. Me, especially. I remember pausing at the door for the longest time before saying,

"I wish I don't have to come back anymore. But till then, I'll try harder."

I smiled, closing the door.

"Well, I hope I won't be seeing you again then, Ying Zhi. Take care."

I'll try harder.

It awes me that after everything we have been through together, I still find the prospect of talking about you here something so new and so strange. In this place so sacred to me, how it has barely seen any traces of you I've cautiously remained hushed. The irony. How the plethora of words that have been etched here were inspired nonetheless by you and only you. I'm not usually this cheesy, but since I'm at it now, I want to say that, I have never felt anything like this before with anyone in my life. Not like this, never for this long. That despite it all, almost like an unimpeded intervening of fate that befalls upon me like a whiff of a spell, I come running back to you again and again. There I go. Running, because you first sang me that song.

"Cause I miss being evil to you. Young one, grown up life sucks.

Stop trying to want to grow up so quickly. Just be positive, even when you're not supposed to, it makes you think more logically. Just slow down. Take it a step at a time. You have room for emotional growth, you're still at an age where mistakes can be forgiven. Thats why I keep telling you not to grow up too fast. Smile more."

"No one can hurt you now."