날 구해.

I guess, asking how are you would be stupid now, wouldn't it?
Hope things are getting better over there.
It isn't easy, I guess we both know better now. Another big I told you so. Somehow what happened with you made me thought of things in a different light. I hope what I said did the same for you. And yeah, I'm definitely getting my bearings right. At least for now. My GPP is 1.00 (: aside from the straight A1s. Fear not. There won't be a second relapse, I told you there wouldn't be one. Been waiting for you to online on msn but you weren't there. Do you even use that thing anymore?? Our beloved Gmail crashed.

I miss you. Anthony is getting boring.

I hated it. I hated feeling like it didn't matter, like it was okay for you to do so just because you can. And each time when I feel that way, I wash it all away, running the water on my skin to wash off the feeling because I felt so dirty. So used. Like a ragdoll being rummaged all over. I remember sitting in the showers for hours. Running the showers to wash away the dirt, the sins; to wash away all traces of you and everything. It didn't matter if I fell sick after that because it felt like I deserved it. It felt like I deserved it for what I've let you do to myself, for what I've allowed myself to go through. It felt like I was compensating for it. I didn't care if the fever burned me inside out. I didn't. That was how horrible it felt.

People I know, people I don't know, people I never got to know, people I thought I knew, people I once knew, and the people I want to know. I never got to know her. In my memory, she was the same beautiful bride in her white gown just two years ago. She left. And I never got to know her. Her departure left me envious. The thought of leaving seemed so vast of the air I needed to breathe. Because I had wanted to leave. Leave and breathe all over again. But I couldn't leave the same way she did, I musn't and I did what was nearest to it. And that day, I tried to. It was grandpa's birthday. Fate brought me there to the place where it all began. Absentmindedly, I turned off the calls on my phone and walked away. Walked blindly wherever I wanted to, till I reached that very same KTM station.

They couldn't find me.
I sat by the road for five hours. Five hours and time seemed to has stopped while I was there.

They couldn't find me there. It hit me after seeing that old couple, it wasn't worth it. Whatever reason I had for running away, it shouldn't be this. Because it simply wasn't worth. And I walked back to my family, the same way I walked away from them. I never told them why, and they never asked again after that. You were even texting me that time. You didn't know, did you? No. You didn't even noticed.

And that night the voice telling me "Don't cry, its okay. I'm here with you. Don't be afraid . Don't cry. I'm here," wasn't yours. The person who called wasn't you. The voice I spoke to the whole night while I tried to sleep wasn't yours. It felt wrong, because you weren't the person who were there when you should be. It hit me hard when he asked " Where is he?" I didn't know how to answer. Instead, the next morning, I was the one calling you. You weren't home. And I will never forget what you said to me that night before I slept in that same bedroom alone for the first time again after what happened. Again, I never said anything. I guess you didn't know I couldn't sleep the whole night that day.

I cried instead.

And each time I look at the window now, what I remember wasn't that thief who tried to break into my bedroom, but your absence when I needed you most. The words you said to me that night.

It was a relapse from the side effect of the surgery she had six years ago. The pain was immense, I guess I'll never know just how much. For that one month every day after school, I became that child again. The same five year old child waiting for her at the door once again. And so I sat, waiting for her to come home from treatment everyday fearing that she wouldn't one day. All of a sudden, I was that young, ignorant child all over again as I sat waiting for her each day. Of all the things I fear in the world, I was suddenly most afraid of losing her. The words she once said to me. They haunt me each time I see her reach for the door. I was afraid to find that one day she wouldn't be walking in through that door again.

You knew. And what did you do?
You chose at that moment to say,
"There's no point worrying anyway, you worry too much all the time. "
I never said anything. Because I barely had the strength to even be angry. No. I was too tired.

I must be a demon child because I never noticed how she was limping as she walked, how she barely had the energy to even nag at me anymore, how she lost her appetite, how her already petite frame suddenly became thinner, or how long she was crouching in pain on the floor that Friday while I was on the phone with you. I yelled at her, do you remember? I yelled.

You said you were patient till the end. So what of me? What was I if I wasn't patient? All your words thrown at me that way, had I not endured it all? And I never said anything even after that Friday. I lost count how many times I've broke down in front of my best friend and how she dreaded getting calls from me because it would mean I was crying. The tears already drained from all the crying. I was like a withered leaf, with tears that fell as if to water the soil. I was sent to counselling. I vomitted during classes. I skipped meals and got myself acute gastritis, taking medication from time to time. That was three months ago. I simply never said anything because it felt like I deserved it all. But, really do I? The things I did say to you though, you just got mad and shrugged them off.

Still, I never said anything back.

In the end, I resort to just keep it all to myself. I didn't choose for bad things to happen. They all happen to me for reasons. Reasons I've now come to realize.You weren't the only one who was so sick and tired. I just chose not to say anything.

I never told you the something I meant to say that Monday. Because I couldn't say it. I started crying when I tried to say it because it hurts. It hurts so much. Your smile. I didn't say the something I meant to say because I didn't want to see it disappear. I didn't want to hurt you. And I end up hurting myself in the end.

It took me a while to realize why I didn't cry the way I always do when you left that Monday. Simply because it was just not worth my tears anymore.

Am I really protecting myself? Tell me why then, why it hurts this bad as I am typing this. If you really need to know, I'm not fine. And I really wish that people would stop with all the how are you? questions, because frankly I am sick of answering. I don’t care if it’s out of plain courtesy, or everyone is really just plain worried. Just stop, because truthfully, most of the times I spend more time thinking of a lie to avoid the conversation from becoming emotional rather than what, and how I am really feeling. Because right now, I need to be studying and be who I need to be.

e d i t t e d ;

Five years and some things just never change (:

* * *



I have graver issues than this. And really, I thought you, of all people should know why.

Spm is in another 42 days.
Go study.

Full stop.

Arasuh? (: 이게 내 마지막입니다. 미안 해요.

I stumbled as I walked across the ground. My weak knees gave me away, and I fell. Both figuratively and literally, I fell on the ground. I didn't know that this little thing that keeps us alive can be so weak. With every breathe, it throbbed. Throbbed. Throbbed. And throbbed. In sync with my heartbeat. For the first time, the word numb hit me. Hard. Do you know that fear taste like grief? The sudden gasps of air you take as sobs escaped your mouth. The curdling of blood in your veins. Making your vena cava constrict ever so potently you can see the paling of blood on your wrists. The familiar sensation of your cheeks getting wet. The dryness of your mouth contradicting the tears that fell from your eyes. My voice fought its way up from the deepness of my throat but as I opened my mouth to speak, I hear anything but. My fingers reached the sides of my cheeks. I brushed off the folds of my hair cupping around them, my fingers pushing strands of them behind my ears. The still air around me shook slightly as my body shuddered. It was silent and there was only silence. I didn't know what I did at that moment. I think I screamed. So loud my ears couldn't register a single sound. So loud my head hurts. So loud my body shooked violently on the floor. I was conscious but I didn't want to think, to understand, to comprehend. It actually felt good, lying there on the floor as life continues. It somehow gave me a solitary feeling I couldn't have otherwise achieved whilst I led life, pretending like nothing was wrong . Or rather nothing mattered at all. Fragments of my memories continue to haunt me like an opaque sillhoutte, tailing me from behind. Words uttered and feelings that poured. The way I slithered that jagged blade across my calf. The image burned vividly in my mind, so deeply etched nothing and nobody can erase it. The phone that rang after that and the voice telling that everything will be okay. The slight tremor of my voice as I said, " I don't want to care anymore". The pain that sheared my chest spread all over my body; to my head, my legs, my arms. And the vena cava already void with air throbbed, trembled and remained still.

I stared at the phone on my hand, switching it off so the clarity of that moment was preserved. The vibration on the screen came to a halt and stopped completely. I stared at the familiar place, standing across the road where everything began. Thinking of all the what-might-have-beens if I weren't there, if it all didn't happen, if I hadn't succumbed recklessly that way, from that moment onwards. I stared at the people streaming across the road, an old couple crossing the right junction to the end, their hands entwined gracefully at the side. So warm, the warmth radiated from the sight of them. The sillhoutte came back, pulling me back into turmoils of the scarred past. Nothing could be done. Nothing can be saved. I stared, so intently I might even be gawking at them. And my heart wrenched with the tainted red memories brought back to life. Numb. Like cancer, it spread through my heart, eating away all the healthy cells, leaving me empty on the inside with nothing but skins and bones. A strange sensation of something amiss enveloped me, as I came to realization what it was. Me. And I stood there momentarily lost in dreams and hopes that will all be gone as I wake up. I don't want to go back. But you have to. My conscience retorting the thought that streamed my head. At that moment, I had a sudden peculiar urge to laugh at the irony of that thought. My heart weeping with my love, I cried. For the very last and first time. The boat that sank, is left stranded in the ocean deep below. It might be better off this way. I turned, leaving the beginning of the chapter forever, not turning to look or to ponder with what's left behind. Because I don't want to know. Not anymore. With a slight press on the button, the light on the screen came back to life. It rang and I said, "I'm coming". And I walked away, not knowing at that precise moment I left behind the most important thing of all. My heart.